For the love of children

Today I spent a good part of my day with my little cousins.  Coming in at ages 2 and (almost) 4 they are the cutest kids.  We played on the swings and did a bunch of other things.  It was a lot of fun.  So what is the problem?

Well it is complicated.  I have always loved kids.  I am some kind of kid magnet, they love me and I love them.  We have a lot of fun together.  I think the best example is when I met a co-workers daughter for the first time.  She was very cute and naturally friendly but she had known me for about 15 minutes when she came over and put her head on my lap and rubbed my leg.  It was pretty amazing.  I guess I just naturally have the ability to understand and get along with kids.  So why is it so hard these days to enjoy it?

Well, I do enjoy it, but after awhile I just need a break.  I need to walk away and gather myself.  I enjoy the time I spend with the kids but sometimes I need it to end.  I have just come to realize that sometimes I need a break.  

It is not just children, it is families... really families are worse.  Seeing something I am not sure I can have is hard.  So after a number of hours with my soon to be step-family today I was ready to be home.  My now SUPER pregnant sister was also there.  I am dealing with that much better than ever thought I could.  I am still jealous and I always will be I am sure but at some point you just have to get past it and move on.  So I am trying.  

I was tired when I got home but was thrilled that the hubbers was still home.  He was planning to head out for an overnight with friends and I didn't think I would see him.  He was asleep when I left and would leave before I got home.  He stayed long enough for me to get home and crash with him for a few.  That was nice.  I love the chance to have some down with him.  We are active and I am out and about a lot as is he, so we don't always get the chance to just hang out.

So in the end what did I figure out today?  Why did I write a blog today?  Children don't understand what we are going through and we should never expect them to.  So we continue to love them like we always have and we play with them and enjoy them.  Then when we have to, we come up with a reason to leave.  It happens a lot to me.  There are kids around up at our River House all the time.  So sometimes I just have to walk away.  It is ok for me to do that.  We have to continue to love kids like we always have.  Not just because we love them and want to enjoy them but because they love us.  They want to enjoy us and be with us as much as we want to be with them.  So, for the love of kids... we put on our big girl panties and deal.

2 part post... Meds and Fear

Fear sucks!  There are so many types of fear and so many ways of handling it.  I have fear of being a parent but it doesn't paralyze me.  I just know that I will do the best I can.  Right now I have a different fear.

A few posts ago I mentioned in passing a lump on my neck.  Well I went to see my normal doctor.  She ordered an ultrasound and then directly after she ordered a CT scan.  After getting the results she wanted me to see an Ear Nose, and Throat specialist.  She thought it was probably just a cyst.  So, ok I am off to ENT.

I see the ENT who wasn't the nicest person in the world but did his job I guess.  He wasn't sure what it was but wanted to remove it.  That means a lot of different things.  First it is 2 weeks out of work, then there is a chance of losing control of my lower lip on one side.  I am not a huge fan of that.  So I tell him that I am scheduled for IVF in September.  That makes him decide to do a biopsy.  They normally don't, as it is hard to get the number of cells needed.  However, in my case they will give it a try.  

Now when you think you are going to walk into ENT and they will say, oh let's just drain this thing, and you hear.. "Well I don't know what it is but it could be a few things.  First it could be a cyst which if you were 5-10 years older it wouldn't be.  But maybe it is.  It could be a lymph node, or maybe lymphoma.  You aren't a high risk person for lymphoma and you don't have the symptoms which is good, but it still could be."

WHAT?!?!?  Cancer.... who said anything about cancer???  This thing is a cyst... right?  RIGHT?!?  Oh good lord.  Sure just give me another thing to worry about.

Ok, so the biopsy is next week.  That is good we will know more then.  In the mean time I have really good moments where I don't let it get to me.  Then I have moments of fear where I just don't know how to handle it or how I feel.  Of course I would do anything I had to do if it is serious, but good lord.

How much can one person deal with??

Today my IVF meds showed up, well most of them.  A huge box of butt shots!  How great.  In the end I am glad to have them already and keep them around the house until it is time to use them.  

I just need to find a way to deal with the stress I guess.

When the truth is stretched thin.

Do you know that in the United States the only state that requires health insurance companies to cover IVF is Massachusetts?  A lot of people would just say, so what?  Well, to me that is huge.  My insurance is very clear in saying that they will cover NO costs associated with IVF.  That means the medication that they covered last month for IUI will not be covered this month for IVF.... it doesn't cost them any more but they will not pay for it. 

In reality, in the long run it will cost them less.  IVF cycle medications, 6K, IVF procedures 9K... IUI medications 1K-5.5K per cycle, and I have done 9 IUI cycles.  They have already paid for over 40K in medications for me and who knows how much in procedures... but they can't pick up the next 15K?  Crazy.

So what does this force us to do?  Well we save any unused medications each cycle and stock pile them like people do food before the zombie's invade.  I mean really the stuff is like gold to us, the infertile.  The doctor's office gives us stuff for IVF that we can't afford from the pharmacy.  Worse come to worse we order refills we might not really need to use to just ensure we have the medication on hand.  Is this insurance fraud???

Well no I don't think it is.  I am ordering the meds when my current amount on hand is running low.  I know I will need the meds so I just reorder.  No harm there.

I guess my real question here is.... Why isn't IVF covered?  Why do insurance companies say no?  After I have a baby my insurance premium will go up, I will be paying more into the system.  How is that not a win/win for insurance companies?  I know there are million reasons why it isn't a win/win but so what? 

If the government isn't forcing insurance companies to cover IVF, why do I have to pay taxes for some crackhead mom to get coverage for having her 8th child?  If the government can tell me I can't have children then they sure as shit better put that crazy BI*** on some birth control.  (Jealous Jealous Whore, yep that's me)

That is what makes me mad.  We are forced to help those in society that won't help themselves, but those of us that are just trying to have a family can't.  It just isn't fair. 

I work in the mental health field and I see a lot of people that CAN'T help themselves which is a totally different world then those that WON'T.  So understand me, I am willing to pay my taxes and help support the ill that need help.  It is the people that play the system, and do stupid things that really annoy me.  I started working at the age of 16.  I have worked hard and climbed the ladder to get myself were I am today.  Why do I have to shell out so much money to have a family?

I know there isn't an answer and some people probably think I just afford the IVF because I work and make ok money.  That is wrong.  I pay my bills and at the end of the month I don't have IVF money laying around.  I had to get a loan to help me through this.  Would that crackhead mom get a loan for IVF?  Hell no, no one would approve her.  So why do I have to go through this? 

Needless to say, today was spent dealing with insurance companies and trying to figure out how to get coverage for my next round of medications.  Oh well, just another day.

Am I ok?

So my blog can be pretty negative and I know some of my family and friends worry about me.  If I look back at my teenage years, I was not a happy person.  I wasn't a happy teenager.  I got by and did ok, but it was really more into my 18-19 and early 20s when I really started to learn who I was.  Each test I go through in life teaches me a little more about who I am.  I look back at the poems I wrote in school and I was pretty lonely and felt isolated.  That passed, just as this will pass as well.

I think the big question that a lot of people going through this ask themselves is, "Do I need help?"  That is something that only the person in the situation can answer.  So I ask myself... do you need help?  The answer is two parts.  Part 1 - yes I need the support and love of my friends and family that is help.  Part 2 - As of this moment no I do not need professional help.  I very clearly know that IVF has the chance of not working.  If it doesn't... (I don't even like to think that) then yes I will need professional help.  I am not
there yet people.  So chill out.  You know what my life is like?

I have a high stress, high intensity job.  I am not saving lives here people, but I am allowing for others to do it.  This means there is a lot on my plate most days.  I get work calls at all times of the night, at least once a week.  I travel between sites for meetings and updates.  This might not be the most stressful job in the world but it has its days.  Overseeing about 100 or so staff can be a challenge.  I love it.  I go home to a house that needs a little work and attention.  I have been out of grad school for less than a year and the hubby has been out of college for less than two months.  So life was crazy until just a few months ago.  Stress is something we know pretty well.  I do well with some stress in my life, I like being under the gun.  There are days I get overwhelmed and overtired.  I have to step back and make adjustments so I don't burn out, which I still do at least once or twice a year.  I burn the candle and both ends and then they meet in the middle and I crash and burn hard.  I know it happens, I expect it and I deal with it.

So what is the post really about?  It is just a post to say, I am ok.  I am really doing ok.  I have had a full month drug free to clear my head and feel normal.  I am ok.  I am strong and I will make it through whatever might happen.  There are days I question my strength and my stability but it is always there and it always will be.  So today is a good day and tomorrow will be good as well, and I am ok.

Adoption....

I may not be laughing as much as I once did but I do laugh and I do choose to keep moving.

I am wondering what to write about today... there are many things that I could write about but so many of them are bitchy topics.  Things I want to complain about.  Mind you, I like to complain from time to time.  Well in reality I like to bitch.  I can bitch about anything!  It is an awesome talent that really does nothing for anyone, but I have it.  So maybe I need to find something more positive to talk about today... so what shall it be?

Is there anything postive the comes from infertility?  I guess that depends on how you look at it.  I was watching Family Jewels the other night.  Yes the Gene Simmons show.  I have a sick love affair with the show.  Well anyway!  Shannon his wife is looking to adopt or have another baby.  Why?  I don't know her face looks like someone pinned half it behind her ears, I mean really, stop with the face lifts!  If you have had a face lift... you might be too old to have kids... might.  Just saying.

So she makes this whole trip to Africa about Gene meeting the children he sponors (supports with money).  The idea was to make him want to take them home and care for them as far as I can tell.  Jeff and I watched this together.  After the show was over I asked Jeff if he had thought about adoption any more.

The back story here is that we had both decided that adoption was not for us.  DON'T YELL AT ME.  1, if you aren't dealing with infertility don't think for one second that you can answer the adoption question.  You can't.  It is one thing to be Angelia Jolie who adopts to give childen in need of a good home, a good place, and having to adopt as the only way to have a family.  2, it is a very personal decision.

So yes we had decided we were not interested in adoption.  However the closer and closer we got to IVF the more I questioned that decision.  If it comes down to adoption or living children free... which would I choose?  Do I want a baby just to have one, or do I want a baby because I have so much love and life to share?  That is what I keep wondering.  To me, if you just want a baby to have a baby, then you shouldn't adopt, you shouldn't even be able to have a baby.  I mean honestly that is just the wrong reason.  However, if you want baby so that you can share you love and raise a person to learn life lessons then maybe you should have one. 

Ok, now with that known... what does it matter if that baby/child is my blood and flesh or not?  Well maybe for some people it doesn't matter.  To me it does seem to matter.  Less today than a year ago for sure.  But none the less it does seem to matter.  Maybe I am shallow and small minded.  However you have to understand that currently one of my greatest fears is to finally have a family of my own and then when my kid is a snotty, bitchy, moody teenager and says "Mom I hate you!" I will lose my mind and flip out because of what I went through to have that child.  This I know to those of you with kids probably sounds crazy and of course will not happen.  However I worry about that.  So now when I have the same issue and the child is adopted, will I be petty when I am angry and say something stupid?  Probably not, but until I am 100% sure that is correct I just can't in a good mind say I can adopt.

Am I thinking this out too much, or am I being a responsible adult and really thinking this through the right way?  I don't freaking know.

I pride myself on being pretty level headed, though sometimes I need to reflect on my actions for a little while before knowing what I did right and what I just fly off the handle and say or do that I shouldn't.  So I will say, overall I am level headed.  At work I can been as cool as a cucumber under pressure.  No problem.

Back to the point... Adoption yes or no??  Right now for me it is an "I don't know."  I guess by October first I will either make up my mind, or not have to.  Wait and see.

The strength of a weak woman

Saturday was my sister's second baby shower.  I went, which is much better than I did with the first shower.  I feared it would be horrible and I would feel out of place and be very uncomfortable.  Well that was all pretty much right except the horrible part.  It wasn't horrible, it was just hard.  Lucky for me a large number of the people at the shower knew about the issues at hand.  My sister didn't want me to feel any of those things and she would have been fine if I didn't go.  However I would not have been fine with myself.  I needed to go and I needed to show my support.  So I did.  I just decided when enough was enough and left when the gifts were getting opened.  That was good by my standards.


I thought maybe I was beginning to deal with things better.  I could take things in my stride more.  Well that was wrong.  I love pinterest but I swear to god if one more person posts a picture of a baby with the word love where the "V" is the baby's feet I am going to scream.  There is only so much I can do to protect myself from all the baby stuff in the world.  So am I dealing better?  Hell no I am not dealing better.  But I am open and I talk about it.


More than once over the weekend people came up to me and said, "I read your blog and I really like it" or "Your blog is so good."  That makes me really happy.  One positive comment takes away a great deal of negative comments.  It makes me feel good about what I am doing.


So that photo above is pretty clear.  I do think it is correct.  When you really want something and you can't have it you feel horrible.  The only way I can really explain it for the general population that hasn't been through what I am going through is this....  You know when you want an Oreo and you don't have any in the house?  You haven't had one in the longest time and you just want one to dunk in some cold milk and enjoy.  All you can think of is that cookie..  OR we could say, when you were kid, or even really now, and someone tells you that you can't have something.  Like my husband telling me I can't have any of his chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels.  Now they aren't even really one of my favorite things.  I could live my whole life and not have one and that would be fine.  As soon as I am told I can't have it, it is all I can think about.  I have to go have a few just to prove the point.  Well there you go.  You now have an idea of what 1/200000000 of what I feel anytime I see baby stuff.  


It sucks and it is freaking everywhere.  Again as normal, I am a jealous jealous whore.  But what the hell?  I hide people on facebook, I don't follow them on pinterest and yet stuff pops everywhere.  It is never ending.  


So am I strong or am I weak?  Well honestly I think I am both.  I have really good days when I am super strong and I have really shitty days where I am super weak and break down.  Both types of days are ok I think.  I can handle them both as long as there more good than bad I think it is good.  


So today was a good strong day.  Tomorrow... well I guess we will see.

IUI Left Overs and IVF Prep

So in my first post I explained what cycles we had done.  All of them were IUI which is just insemination, now I say that like... oh it is no big deal.  That is because now to me it just isn't a big deal.  I went through it too many times for it to be anything but normal.  Let me outline the steps of an IUI.

• Ultrasound (inter-vaginal) to determine what ovaries and uterus look like.
• Start medication to develop follicles that carry eggs (hopefully)
• Few days (7ish) with medication and then another ultrasound to see how the follicles are doing.
• If all is good plan either another ultrasound or the IUI.
• Get and HCG injection to release the eggs.
• Send Hubby in to give sample. (You know what I mean)
• Go in and have "washed" sample placed.
• Wait 2 weeks and take a test.  If the test is negative and you don't start your period you get to have a blood test to confirm.

I should have counted how long each of my cycles where but when I said you take meds for 7ish days that is for the "normal" person.  I regularly was taking medications for 15-21 days.  So my cycles were much longer than most.  

As most people do, we started with clomid which is an oral medication just like your daily vitamin.  We moved onto injection medications pretty quickly because my body was having a hard time reacting to the clomid.  So what does injections mean?  Well honestly it means a lot of mail ordered medications.  The first injection was a pen.  You pick the dosage and grab some belly fat and inject!  No problem.  It was so easy.  However that only lasted once cycle then we moved onto my dear and close friend Menopur.

Ah yes good old Menopur.  So each of these boxes contains 5 menopur powder vials and liquid mix.  You have to mix the liquid and powder each time.  The good news is that if your dose of menopur is all 5 vials of powder you can use just one bottle of liquid.  Oh thank god.  If not, it would be five different shots... I have been on 5 vials, and i would not be thrilled to have had 5 shots a night.  Menopur is put into the upper butt area, so giving them to myself was a no go.  Jeff and a few friends are the lucky ones to help with this.

The menopur is part of my shot work station.  Wanna see the rest???  Oh good I knew you would.

Supplies unopened so far.

More things waiting... yes with my salt and pepper shaker and tea pot.

The bowl of Needles, alcohol wipes, and gauze

Sharps container for used needles

syringes in a nice vase and medication

So let me explain some things.  Syringes come with needles on them right?  Right.  However they are a huge ouchy gauge you don't want to put in you butt every day.  So that is why there is a bowl of needles.  Just as long (which is long) but a smaller gauge (smaller whole in the butt).  Sharps container for the needles and syringes after use.  The meds shown are 2 sets of menopur vials, progesterone in oil (another shot), and HCG (in the box but a shot).

Ok so now you can see what one cycle entails.  It isn't all fun and games trying to make a baby people.  It is shots in the butt!  How many you ask?  Well lets see here...... longest cycle was about 21 menopur shots, 14 progesterone shots, and one HCG shot.  That is 36 shots in 37 days.  Then you get about 7-10 days free before you start all over.  Assuming it didn't work.

What does that equal?

I fill the containers so that they are full and I can't fit one more thing.  So here is a pretty empty one... my current one.  Here are the full ones.

Yep.... four filled to top ready to bust containers... that is a lot of needles.  Well over 100.

The last thing my shot station has?

The carrying case.  You don't want to walk around with people knowing you have needles in your purse.  It just isn't smart.  So I carry them in a sunglasses case with RX in my purse always.  

So now I have some meds ready for IVF time but it isn't everything.  There will be much much more.  I think that is a good quick look at the process of IUI.  

Tomorrow is my sister's second baby shower.  I am going to attempt to go.  I hope I can make it even if just for a short time.  I will be sure to let you all know!