The things I have

There are a few things about infertility that you may not know.  I didn't know them until recently.  1- You get to talk to people that you have not talked to in a long time.  Two girls I went to school with have both reached out and shared their stories with me.  I am very happy to report that friend one is pregnant!  Friend two however, like myself, needs some additional help getting things to work out.  So I continue to think about her and send good thoughts her way.  So what else do you get from being infertile?  Well, 2 the right to have ice cream (replace with your favorite treat) whenever you leave the doctor.  This is new with IVF for me.  Before I would leave the office and go about my day.  However yesterday was my baseline ultrasound.  That sounds harmless... which I guess it is.  However the planning and teaching after made me need a nap badly.  It hit home that this is it.  We are doing IVF... ok writing the check for the payment really made it hit home.  This is our big chance.  It will work, it has to work.  It just has to.  I don't let myself think about the what ifs... it is just going to work.  Ok back to ice cream... so I was exhausted after the appointment and I wanted a nap but I worked all day.  Then at 8:30 last night I gave in and went and got ice cream.  It was great... just that simple joy of ice cream made me feel a little better.  So...

1- I have friends that understand

2- I can have ice cream damn it!

So the shots started just over a week ago.  Lupron to keep my system from ovulating and this week menopur to start egg production.  So I get one shot in the lower belly and one in the but/hip every night starting Friday... for now just the lower belly.  So that is all for now.  I was just thinking of my two friends and wanted to share with you all, that really we aren't alone no matter what our journey might be.

It has been awhile... a lot happened

Hi!  It has been awhile, how are you?  Oh me, well I am doing ok.  Let me update you.

I was away on a two week vacation at our camp which was nice.  The first week our refrigerator went out... ahhh!  So we craiglisted a new one!  Great fix... for 3-4 days... then that one had an issue.  Lucky for me, my hubby is a rockstar and fixed it!  In the mean time, the mowers hit a rock which in turn put a nice star crack in my windshield.  SCORE!  They are being a pain in the butt and have not yet agreed to replace it.  I still had fun and enjoyed my vacation.

On vacation day 10, my sister's water broke at 4am.  She had been home from camp for 12 hours!  AHHHHHHH!  Thank goodness she was home.  My 3rd beautiful niece was born at 7:27pm that night.  I headed home and missed the birth by 20 minutes!!!  If my sister hadn't been so good, and dilated from 7-9cm in minutes I would have been there.  Either way, she did great and has a wonderful and healthy baby!  3 weeks before the due date... so I say the due date was wrong!  She was 7pds 9oz!!!!  I was able to see her that night and then the next morning.  Then back in the car to head back to camp (2.5 hours drive).  (Yes I am totally jealous but I love that little munchkin like no tomorrow!!!  And my sister too!  She will be a wonderful mom.)

So what is the plan??

Well ladies and gentlemen we are starting IVF in 5 days.  By that I mean in 5 days I start my first run of shots.  Shots continue the whole time.  Then 7 days later I will have a baseline ultrasound.  11 days later I have another ultrasound.  They decide when Egg Retrieval is that day.... oh joy, a long needle in the hooha to get those suckers out.  They put all the girl and boy bits together and let them make something and grow... that can take 3-5 days... then back in we go.  This time they take the good embryos that were made and give them back to the hooha.  Then about one week later I get blood tests to see where my levels are.  That will give us a positive or negative outlook.  Now, I don't know how quickly we will tell people if it was positive or negative.  I know everyone will want to know right away, but I don't want a lot of excitement if a positive turns to negative quickly.  So we might hold out of awhile... if we can.  So please don't expect me to tell.. and don't ask.  Once we are ready to share we will.

So keep it all crossed for us until you hear more!

 Of course I will update other details as I can. 

For the love of children

Today I spent a good part of my day with my little cousins.  Coming in at ages 2 and (almost) 4 they are the cutest kids.  We played on the swings and did a bunch of other things.  It was a lot of fun.  So what is the problem?

Well it is complicated.  I have always loved kids.  I am some kind of kid magnet, they love me and I love them.  We have a lot of fun together.  I think the best example is when I met a co-workers daughter for the first time.  She was very cute and naturally friendly but she had known me for about 15 minutes when she came over and put her head on my lap and rubbed my leg.  It was pretty amazing.  I guess I just naturally have the ability to understand and get along with kids.  So why is it so hard these days to enjoy it?

Well, I do enjoy it, but after awhile I just need a break.  I need to walk away and gather myself.  I enjoy the time I spend with the kids but sometimes I need it to end.  I have just come to realize that sometimes I need a break.  

It is not just children, it is families... really families are worse.  Seeing something I am not sure I can have is hard.  So after a number of hours with my soon to be step-family today I was ready to be home.  My now SUPER pregnant sister was also there.  I am dealing with that much better than ever thought I could.  I am still jealous and I always will be I am sure but at some point you just have to get past it and move on.  So I am trying.  

I was tired when I got home but was thrilled that the hubbers was still home.  He was planning to head out for an overnight with friends and I didn't think I would see him.  He was asleep when I left and would leave before I got home.  He stayed long enough for me to get home and crash with him for a few.  That was nice.  I love the chance to have some down with him.  We are active and I am out and about a lot as is he, so we don't always get the chance to just hang out.

So in the end what did I figure out today?  Why did I write a blog today?  Children don't understand what we are going through and we should never expect them to.  So we continue to love them like we always have and we play with them and enjoy them.  Then when we have to, we come up with a reason to leave.  It happens a lot to me.  There are kids around up at our River House all the time.  So sometimes I just have to walk away.  It is ok for me to do that.  We have to continue to love kids like we always have.  Not just because we love them and want to enjoy them but because they love us.  They want to enjoy us and be with us as much as we want to be with them.  So, for the love of kids... we put on our big girl panties and deal.

2 part post... Meds and Fear

Fear sucks!  There are so many types of fear and so many ways of handling it.  I have fear of being a parent but it doesn't paralyze me.  I just know that I will do the best I can.  Right now I have a different fear.

A few posts ago I mentioned in passing a lump on my neck.  Well I went to see my normal doctor.  She ordered an ultrasound and then directly after she ordered a CT scan.  After getting the results she wanted me to see an Ear Nose, and Throat specialist.  She thought it was probably just a cyst.  So, ok I am off to ENT.

I see the ENT who wasn't the nicest person in the world but did his job I guess.  He wasn't sure what it was but wanted to remove it.  That means a lot of different things.  First it is 2 weeks out of work, then there is a chance of losing control of my lower lip on one side.  I am not a huge fan of that.  So I tell him that I am scheduled for IVF in September.  That makes him decide to do a biopsy.  They normally don't, as it is hard to get the number of cells needed.  However, in my case they will give it a try.  

Now when you think you are going to walk into ENT and they will say, oh let's just drain this thing, and you hear.. "Well I don't know what it is but it could be a few things.  First it could be a cyst which if you were 5-10 years older it wouldn't be.  But maybe it is.  It could be a lymph node, or maybe lymphoma.  You aren't a high risk person for lymphoma and you don't have the symptoms which is good, but it still could be."

WHAT?!?!?  Cancer.... who said anything about cancer???  This thing is a cyst... right?  RIGHT?!?  Oh good lord.  Sure just give me another thing to worry about.

Ok, so the biopsy is next week.  That is good we will know more then.  In the mean time I have really good moments where I don't let it get to me.  Then I have moments of fear where I just don't know how to handle it or how I feel.  Of course I would do anything I had to do if it is serious, but good lord.

How much can one person deal with??

Today my IVF meds showed up, well most of them.  A huge box of butt shots!  How great.  In the end I am glad to have them already and keep them around the house until it is time to use them.  

I just need to find a way to deal with the stress I guess.

When the truth is stretched thin.

Do you know that in the United States the only state that requires health insurance companies to cover IVF is Massachusetts?  A lot of people would just say, so what?  Well, to me that is huge.  My insurance is very clear in saying that they will cover NO costs associated with IVF.  That means the medication that they covered last month for IUI will not be covered this month for IVF.... it doesn't cost them any more but they will not pay for it. 

In reality, in the long run it will cost them less.  IVF cycle medications, 6K, IVF procedures 9K... IUI medications 1K-5.5K per cycle, and I have done 9 IUI cycles.  They have already paid for over 40K in medications for me and who knows how much in procedures... but they can't pick up the next 15K?  Crazy.

So what does this force us to do?  Well we save any unused medications each cycle and stock pile them like people do food before the zombie's invade.  I mean really the stuff is like gold to us, the infertile.  The doctor's office gives us stuff for IVF that we can't afford from the pharmacy.  Worse come to worse we order refills we might not really need to use to just ensure we have the medication on hand.  Is this insurance fraud???

Well no I don't think it is.  I am ordering the meds when my current amount on hand is running low.  I know I will need the meds so I just reorder.  No harm there.

I guess my real question here is.... Why isn't IVF covered?  Why do insurance companies say no?  After I have a baby my insurance premium will go up, I will be paying more into the system.  How is that not a win/win for insurance companies?  I know there are million reasons why it isn't a win/win but so what? 

If the government isn't forcing insurance companies to cover IVF, why do I have to pay taxes for some crackhead mom to get coverage for having her 8th child?  If the government can tell me I can't have children then they sure as shit better put that crazy BI*** on some birth control.  (Jealous Jealous Whore, yep that's me)

That is what makes me mad.  We are forced to help those in society that won't help themselves, but those of us that are just trying to have a family can't.  It just isn't fair. 

I work in the mental health field and I see a lot of people that CAN'T help themselves which is a totally different world then those that WON'T.  So understand me, I am willing to pay my taxes and help support the ill that need help.  It is the people that play the system, and do stupid things that really annoy me.  I started working at the age of 16.  I have worked hard and climbed the ladder to get myself were I am today.  Why do I have to shell out so much money to have a family?

I know there isn't an answer and some people probably think I just afford the IVF because I work and make ok money.  That is wrong.  I pay my bills and at the end of the month I don't have IVF money laying around.  I had to get a loan to help me through this.  Would that crackhead mom get a loan for IVF?  Hell no, no one would approve her.  So why do I have to go through this? 

Needless to say, today was spent dealing with insurance companies and trying to figure out how to get coverage for my next round of medications.  Oh well, just another day.

Am I ok?

So my blog can be pretty negative and I know some of my family and friends worry about me.  If I look back at my teenage years, I was not a happy person.  I wasn't a happy teenager.  I got by and did ok, but it was really more into my 18-19 and early 20s when I really started to learn who I was.  Each test I go through in life teaches me a little more about who I am.  I look back at the poems I wrote in school and I was pretty lonely and felt isolated.  That passed, just as this will pass as well.

I think the big question that a lot of people going through this ask themselves is, "Do I need help?"  That is something that only the person in the situation can answer.  So I ask myself... do you need help?  The answer is two parts.  Part 1 - yes I need the support and love of my friends and family that is help.  Part 2 - As of this moment no I do not need professional help.  I very clearly know that IVF has the chance of not working.  If it doesn't... (I don't even like to think that) then yes I will need professional help.  I am not
there yet people.  So chill out.  You know what my life is like?

I have a high stress, high intensity job.  I am not saving lives here people, but I am allowing for others to do it.  This means there is a lot on my plate most days.  I get work calls at all times of the night, at least once a week.  I travel between sites for meetings and updates.  This might not be the most stressful job in the world but it has its days.  Overseeing about 100 or so staff can be a challenge.  I love it.  I go home to a house that needs a little work and attention.  I have been out of grad school for less than a year and the hubby has been out of college for less than two months.  So life was crazy until just a few months ago.  Stress is something we know pretty well.  I do well with some stress in my life, I like being under the gun.  There are days I get overwhelmed and overtired.  I have to step back and make adjustments so I don't burn out, which I still do at least once or twice a year.  I burn the candle and both ends and then they meet in the middle and I crash and burn hard.  I know it happens, I expect it and I deal with it.

So what is the post really about?  It is just a post to say, I am ok.  I am really doing ok.  I have had a full month drug free to clear my head and feel normal.  I am ok.  I am strong and I will make it through whatever might happen.  There are days I question my strength and my stability but it is always there and it always will be.  So today is a good day and tomorrow will be good as well, and I am ok.

Adoption....

I may not be laughing as much as I once did but I do laugh and I do choose to keep moving.

I am wondering what to write about today... there are many things that I could write about but so many of them are bitchy topics.  Things I want to complain about.  Mind you, I like to complain from time to time.  Well in reality I like to bitch.  I can bitch about anything!  It is an awesome talent that really does nothing for anyone, but I have it.  So maybe I need to find something more positive to talk about today... so what shall it be?

Is there anything postive the comes from infertility?  I guess that depends on how you look at it.  I was watching Family Jewels the other night.  Yes the Gene Simmons show.  I have a sick love affair with the show.  Well anyway!  Shannon his wife is looking to adopt or have another baby.  Why?  I don't know her face looks like someone pinned half it behind her ears, I mean really, stop with the face lifts!  If you have had a face lift... you might be too old to have kids... might.  Just saying.

So she makes this whole trip to Africa about Gene meeting the children he sponors (supports with money).  The idea was to make him want to take them home and care for them as far as I can tell.  Jeff and I watched this together.  After the show was over I asked Jeff if he had thought about adoption any more.

The back story here is that we had both decided that adoption was not for us.  DON'T YELL AT ME.  1, if you aren't dealing with infertility don't think for one second that you can answer the adoption question.  You can't.  It is one thing to be Angelia Jolie who adopts to give childen in need of a good home, a good place, and having to adopt as the only way to have a family.  2, it is a very personal decision.

So yes we had decided we were not interested in adoption.  However the closer and closer we got to IVF the more I questioned that decision.  If it comes down to adoption or living children free... which would I choose?  Do I want a baby just to have one, or do I want a baby because I have so much love and life to share?  That is what I keep wondering.  To me, if you just want a baby to have a baby, then you shouldn't adopt, you shouldn't even be able to have a baby.  I mean honestly that is just the wrong reason.  However, if you want baby so that you can share you love and raise a person to learn life lessons then maybe you should have one. 

Ok, now with that known... what does it matter if that baby/child is my blood and flesh or not?  Well maybe for some people it doesn't matter.  To me it does seem to matter.  Less today than a year ago for sure.  But none the less it does seem to matter.  Maybe I am shallow and small minded.  However you have to understand that currently one of my greatest fears is to finally have a family of my own and then when my kid is a snotty, bitchy, moody teenager and says "Mom I hate you!" I will lose my mind and flip out because of what I went through to have that child.  This I know to those of you with kids probably sounds crazy and of course will not happen.  However I worry about that.  So now when I have the same issue and the child is adopted, will I be petty when I am angry and say something stupid?  Probably not, but until I am 100% sure that is correct I just can't in a good mind say I can adopt.

Am I thinking this out too much, or am I being a responsible adult and really thinking this through the right way?  I don't freaking know.

I pride myself on being pretty level headed, though sometimes I need to reflect on my actions for a little while before knowing what I did right and what I just fly off the handle and say or do that I shouldn't.  So I will say, overall I am level headed.  At work I can been as cool as a cucumber under pressure.  No problem.

Back to the point... Adoption yes or no??  Right now for me it is an "I don't know."  I guess by October first I will either make up my mind, or not have to.  Wait and see.