Wow, it has been almost a year since my last post.  That is kind of shocking to me but understandable I guess.  I hated blogs that went from infertility to success.  It was painful to read them.  So now I am that person.  On June 9, 2013 we welcomed our baby boy.  He is a wonderful joy to us.  I have not yet decided what I will do with this blog.  Maybe I will keep it and convert over to something new related to my little guy, or maybe I will let it die off.  I am just not sure yet.  More to come.

Holden... my little guy.

Long time

We went for first blood test on 9/25/12.  I had been having horrible pain for about 3 days at that point.  There were times I couldn't stand up.  Well they called me after the blood test, and I was prepared for the negative, and ready to hear it.  Well they told me.... it is positive, you are pregnant!  WHAT?!?!?!?!  Killer pains = baby?  I was shocked.  We followed with blood tests every 2 days and watched as the HCG level continued to rise nicely.  Then, it was another waiting game, about 2 weeks of waiting before we could have the first ultrasound to see how things were going.  Not to mention, find out how many decided to make a go of it!  First ultrasound was on 10/15/12, and there was..... wait for it....... ONE healthy beautiful baby in there.  The best part was the heartbeat.  We heard it loud and clear.  It was very cool.  We both are still holding our breath... so afraid anything we might do could ruin our chances.  However the second ultrasound was on 10/22/12 and everything was still looking great.  Everything is on track and the heart sounds good.  Just the size of a kidney bean and has a heart... wow.  Dr. H told us that in a few more weeks we get to graduate and move onto the normal OBGYN for the rest of the pregnancy.  Part of me is still in shock.  The other part is a mama bear.  I almost jump on people when they come in office and are sick.  GET AWAY FROM ME AND MY BABY!!!!!! So that is where things are as of today.. 10/22/12.  You won't see this post until a few weeks after I wrote it as we still haven't told our extended families.  Once we do... posting starts again.

A few things they don't tell you....

So we are knee deep in IVF right now.  Egg retrieval went well.  We got 14 eggs which was good.  8 were mature and could be fertilized.  From the 8 we got 5 that looked good and 1 that was questionable on day 1.  They decided to do the embryo transfer on day 3 and expected to put in 2-3 and freeze the others.  When we went in for the transfer I was excited and ready. 

The embryologist took us back to the room and explained that all 5 embryos were poor quality.  WHAT!!!  SHOCK....HORROR  WHAT?!?!?!  I just sat there looking at her, what do you say, how to do you ask questions you don't know you have?  I was stunned.  She tells us how the scale embryos and what has happened with ours, calling it fragmentation.  She continued that they had talk to my doctor, the other doctor in the practice and all three of them agree that putting all five back is our best chance.  She explains that there is not a good chance for any to continue to grow to the freezing stage so putting them back is the best thing..... SHOCK.... She asks if that is ok.....  I have had about a full 3 minutes to pull all this together in my head, I have no answer.  I look at hubby and he says, "Gotta do what we gotta do."  All five go back in.  And we all just have to hope that they (one, two, whatever) will take.  It isn't impossible.

Good Embryos

Our Five, not so good, ok, POOR quality Embryos

The doctor (not mine but the other) comes in and explains how we do the transfer and we do it.  He leaves but says if we have question to just get him from his office.  Lay here for 20 minutes he says.... ok.  He shuts the door and lose it.  I cry my eyes out as quietly as I can.  Hubby is there and holding my hand and trying to be a comfort.  Before the door leaves he gave us a picture of our embryos.... after he leaves I tell hubby the look sick, not right at all.  I was so angry.  I wasn't sad, not then I was pissed and for a few reasons that I didn't even understand at first.

1- they didn't tell us the grade of our embryos just that they were poor - I ended up calling back to get the fragmentation % of our Five... the answer was... "Your best was 50%, the rest were worse.
2 - no one told us about this and that it could happen
3 - my doctor wasn't there to give it to me straight and tell what was going on
4 - they called it being aggressive in treatment but I feel like it is a last minute attempt in a basketball game to through the ball into the net from the other end of the court.

Honestly there should be some book about the common things that can go wrong with IVF.  I spent probably an hour or two just trying to understand what "fragmentation" was and how bad a poor embryo is, and what it chances of making it are.  Maybe a call before we went in to say... hey look things aren't going great but we want to continue.  Come in and we can talk.  Something!  Anything!  I didn't want to lay there with no bottoms on crying about what may or may not happen.


So now it is a waiting game.  I could have 5 happy embryos or no happy embryos or some number between 0-5 in there.... we will see.  I hate waiting games.

Over Celebrating A New One

This past Saturday my mother got married.  It was a nice ceremony.  It took me a while to decide how I felt about the whole thing.  I am happy for my mom and her husband.  I guess the thing that got to me was just how much focus was put on my new baby niece.  It started early.  The photographer came up to the room to take some getting ready pictures.  In the process they took some of my sister, my mom, the baby, and then my sister, my mom, the baby and my sister's boyfriend.... there wasn't even one picture of me and my sister getting ready, or just the three of us getting ready.  

This was repeated again outside after the ceremony... pictures of the bride and groom with the baby... with my sister and her boyfriend.... not on picture of me, my hubby, the bride and groom.... 

To top off the oh so painful evening for me... I go upstairs to get my two IVF shots... and the stupid needle breaks because I am not focusing.  So I send hubby off to get another needle, and I go back to the reception... and what do I walk into?.....  Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder is playing and there on the dance floor is my mom, her husband, my sister, her boyfriend, and the baby... it was very clear that this song was put on just for the baby.... however fucking wonderful.

So mom is off to Mexico for a week, but I called my sister today and she completely understood why I was upset.  She knows I don't blame her, but I was really hurt.  I guess I shouldn't hold anyone responsible, but at some point you have to just look around and go.... um really?  Hello.....  I shouldn't blame anyone... but I do, and I am hurt.  

So my new challenge is to make it to IVF... which is most likely next week without losing my mind.  Which with these high dose medications seems impossible.  I have already lost it twice.... So I have to make it through this and then also find a way to tell my mom how upset I am.... the blog probably just did that for me which might not be the nicest way... but I am not nice.  Never have been.  I am just trying to survive at this point.

On a happy note... one of my bestest friends asked me to be in her wedding next year!  I am happy and excited for that.

The things I have

There are a few things about infertility that you may not know.  I didn't know them until recently.  1- You get to talk to people that you have not talked to in a long time.  Two girls I went to school with have both reached out and shared their stories with me.  I am very happy to report that friend one is pregnant!  Friend two however, like myself, needs some additional help getting things to work out.  So I continue to think about her and send good thoughts her way.  So what else do you get from being infertile?  Well, 2 the right to have ice cream (replace with your favorite treat) whenever you leave the doctor.  This is new with IVF for me.  Before I would leave the office and go about my day.  However yesterday was my baseline ultrasound.  That sounds harmless... which I guess it is.  However the planning and teaching after made me need a nap badly.  It hit home that this is it.  We are doing IVF... ok writing the check for the payment really made it hit home.  This is our big chance.  It will work, it has to work.  It just has to.  I don't let myself think about the what ifs... it is just going to work.  Ok back to ice cream... so I was exhausted after the appointment and I wanted a nap but I worked all day.  Then at 8:30 last night I gave in and went and got ice cream.  It was great... just that simple joy of ice cream made me feel a little better.  So...

1- I have friends that understand

2- I can have ice cream damn it!

So the shots started just over a week ago.  Lupron to keep my system from ovulating and this week menopur to start egg production.  So I get one shot in the lower belly and one in the but/hip every night starting Friday... for now just the lower belly.  So that is all for now.  I was just thinking of my two friends and wanted to share with you all, that really we aren't alone no matter what our journey might be.

It has been awhile... a lot happened

Hi!  It has been awhile, how are you?  Oh me, well I am doing ok.  Let me update you.

I was away on a two week vacation at our camp which was nice.  The first week our refrigerator went out... ahhh!  So we craiglisted a new one!  Great fix... for 3-4 days... then that one had an issue.  Lucky for me, my hubby is a rockstar and fixed it!  In the mean time, the mowers hit a rock which in turn put a nice star crack in my windshield.  SCORE!  They are being a pain in the butt and have not yet agreed to replace it.  I still had fun and enjoyed my vacation.

On vacation day 10, my sister's water broke at 4am.  She had been home from camp for 12 hours!  AHHHHHHH!  Thank goodness she was home.  My 3rd beautiful niece was born at 7:27pm that night.  I headed home and missed the birth by 20 minutes!!!  If my sister hadn't been so good, and dilated from 7-9cm in minutes I would have been there.  Either way, she did great and has a wonderful and healthy baby!  3 weeks before the due date... so I say the due date was wrong!  She was 7pds 9oz!!!!  I was able to see her that night and then the next morning.  Then back in the car to head back to camp (2.5 hours drive).  (Yes I am totally jealous but I love that little munchkin like no tomorrow!!!  And my sister too!  She will be a wonderful mom.)

So what is the plan??

Well ladies and gentlemen we are starting IVF in 5 days.  By that I mean in 5 days I start my first run of shots.  Shots continue the whole time.  Then 7 days later I will have a baseline ultrasound.  11 days later I have another ultrasound.  They decide when Egg Retrieval is that day.... oh joy, a long needle in the hooha to get those suckers out.  They put all the girl and boy bits together and let them make something and grow... that can take 3-5 days... then back in we go.  This time they take the good embryos that were made and give them back to the hooha.  Then about one week later I get blood tests to see where my levels are.  That will give us a positive or negative outlook.  Now, I don't know how quickly we will tell people if it was positive or negative.  I know everyone will want to know right away, but I don't want a lot of excitement if a positive turns to negative quickly.  So we might hold out of awhile... if we can.  So please don't expect me to tell.. and don't ask.  Once we are ready to share we will.

So keep it all crossed for us until you hear more!

 Of course I will update other details as I can. 

For the love of children

Today I spent a good part of my day with my little cousins.  Coming in at ages 2 and (almost) 4 they are the cutest kids.  We played on the swings and did a bunch of other things.  It was a lot of fun.  So what is the problem?

Well it is complicated.  I have always loved kids.  I am some kind of kid magnet, they love me and I love them.  We have a lot of fun together.  I think the best example is when I met a co-workers daughter for the first time.  She was very cute and naturally friendly but she had known me for about 15 minutes when she came over and put her head on my lap and rubbed my leg.  It was pretty amazing.  I guess I just naturally have the ability to understand and get along with kids.  So why is it so hard these days to enjoy it?

Well, I do enjoy it, but after awhile I just need a break.  I need to walk away and gather myself.  I enjoy the time I spend with the kids but sometimes I need it to end.  I have just come to realize that sometimes I need a break.  

It is not just children, it is families... really families are worse.  Seeing something I am not sure I can have is hard.  So after a number of hours with my soon to be step-family today I was ready to be home.  My now SUPER pregnant sister was also there.  I am dealing with that much better than ever thought I could.  I am still jealous and I always will be I am sure but at some point you just have to get past it and move on.  So I am trying.  

I was tired when I got home but was thrilled that the hubbers was still home.  He was planning to head out for an overnight with friends and I didn't think I would see him.  He was asleep when I left and would leave before I got home.  He stayed long enough for me to get home and crash with him for a few.  That was nice.  I love the chance to have some down with him.  We are active and I am out and about a lot as is he, so we don't always get the chance to just hang out.

So in the end what did I figure out today?  Why did I write a blog today?  Children don't understand what we are going through and we should never expect them to.  So we continue to love them like we always have and we play with them and enjoy them.  Then when we have to, we come up with a reason to leave.  It happens a lot to me.  There are kids around up at our River House all the time.  So sometimes I just have to walk away.  It is ok for me to do that.  We have to continue to love kids like we always have.  Not just because we love them and want to enjoy them but because they love us.  They want to enjoy us and be with us as much as we want to be with them.  So, for the love of kids... we put on our big girl panties and deal.