Fear sucks! There are so many types of fear and so many ways of handling it. I have fear of being a parent but it doesn't paralyze me. I just know that I will do the best I can. Right now I have a different fear.
A few posts ago I mentioned in passing a lump on my neck. Well I went to see my normal doctor. She ordered an ultrasound and then directly after she ordered a CT scan. After getting the results she wanted me to see an Ear Nose, and Throat specialist. She thought it was probably just a cyst. So, ok I am off to ENT.
I see the ENT who wasn't the nicest person in the world but did his job I guess. He wasn't sure what it was but wanted to remove it. That means a lot of different things. First it is 2 weeks out of work, then there is a chance of losing control of my lower lip on one side. I am not a huge fan of that. So I tell him that I am scheduled for IVF in September. That makes him decide to do a biopsy. They normally don't, as it is hard to get the number of cells needed. However, in my case they will give it a try.
Now when you think you are going to walk into ENT and they will say, oh let's just drain this thing, and you hear.. "Well I don't know what it is but it could be a few things. First it could be a cyst which if you were 5-10 years older it wouldn't be. But maybe it is. It could be a lymph node, or maybe lymphoma. You aren't a high risk person for lymphoma and you don't have the symptoms which is good, but it still could be."
WHAT?!?!? Cancer.... who said anything about cancer??? This thing is a cyst... right? RIGHT?!? Oh good lord. Sure just give me another thing to worry about.
Ok, so the biopsy is next week. That is good we will know more then. In the mean time I have really good moments where I don't let it get to me. Then I have moments of fear where I just don't know how to handle it or how I feel. Of course I would do anything I had to do if it is serious, but good lord.
How much can one person deal with??
Today my IVF meds showed up, well most of them. A huge box of butt shots! How great. In the end I am glad to have them already and keep them around the house until it is time to use them.
I just need to find a way to deal with the stress I guess.
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