The strength of a weak woman

Saturday was my sister's second baby shower.  I went, which is much better than I did with the first shower.  I feared it would be horrible and I would feel out of place and be very uncomfortable.  Well that was all pretty much right except the horrible part.  It wasn't horrible, it was just hard.  Lucky for me a large number of the people at the shower knew about the issues at hand.  My sister didn't want me to feel any of those things and she would have been fine if I didn't go.  However I would not have been fine with myself.  I needed to go and I needed to show my support.  So I did.  I just decided when enough was enough and left when the gifts were getting opened.  That was good by my standards.


I thought maybe I was beginning to deal with things better.  I could take things in my stride more.  Well that was wrong.  I love pinterest but I swear to god if one more person posts a picture of a baby with the word love where the "V" is the baby's feet I am going to scream.  There is only so much I can do to protect myself from all the baby stuff in the world.  So am I dealing better?  Hell no I am not dealing better.  But I am open and I talk about it.


More than once over the weekend people came up to me and said, "I read your blog and I really like it" or "Your blog is so good."  That makes me really happy.  One positive comment takes away a great deal of negative comments.  It makes me feel good about what I am doing.


So that photo above is pretty clear.  I do think it is correct.  When you really want something and you can't have it you feel horrible.  The only way I can really explain it for the general population that hasn't been through what I am going through is this....  You know when you want an Oreo and you don't have any in the house?  You haven't had one in the longest time and you just want one to dunk in some cold milk and enjoy.  All you can think of is that cookie..  OR we could say, when you were kid, or even really now, and someone tells you that you can't have something.  Like my husband telling me I can't have any of his chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels.  Now they aren't even really one of my favorite things.  I could live my whole life and not have one and that would be fine.  As soon as I am told I can't have it, it is all I can think about.  I have to go have a few just to prove the point.  Well there you go.  You now have an idea of what 1/200000000 of what I feel anytime I see baby stuff.  


It sucks and it is freaking everywhere.  Again as normal, I am a jealous jealous whore.  But what the hell?  I hide people on facebook, I don't follow them on pinterest and yet stuff pops everywhere.  It is never ending.  


So am I strong or am I weak?  Well honestly I think I am both.  I have really good days when I am super strong and I have really shitty days where I am super weak and break down.  Both types of days are ok I think.  I can handle them both as long as there more good than bad I think it is good.  


So today was a good strong day.  Tomorrow... well I guess we will see.