Adoption....

I may not be laughing as much as I once did but I do laugh and I do choose to keep moving.

I am wondering what to write about today... there are many things that I could write about but so many of them are bitchy topics.  Things I want to complain about.  Mind you, I like to complain from time to time.  Well in reality I like to bitch.  I can bitch about anything!  It is an awesome talent that really does nothing for anyone, but I have it.  So maybe I need to find something more positive to talk about today... so what shall it be?

Is there anything postive the comes from infertility?  I guess that depends on how you look at it.  I was watching Family Jewels the other night.  Yes the Gene Simmons show.  I have a sick love affair with the show.  Well anyway!  Shannon his wife is looking to adopt or have another baby.  Why?  I don't know her face looks like someone pinned half it behind her ears, I mean really, stop with the face lifts!  If you have had a face lift... you might be too old to have kids... might.  Just saying.

So she makes this whole trip to Africa about Gene meeting the children he sponors (supports with money).  The idea was to make him want to take them home and care for them as far as I can tell.  Jeff and I watched this together.  After the show was over I asked Jeff if he had thought about adoption any more.

The back story here is that we had both decided that adoption was not for us.  DON'T YELL AT ME.  1, if you aren't dealing with infertility don't think for one second that you can answer the adoption question.  You can't.  It is one thing to be Angelia Jolie who adopts to give childen in need of a good home, a good place, and having to adopt as the only way to have a family.  2, it is a very personal decision.

So yes we had decided we were not interested in adoption.  However the closer and closer we got to IVF the more I questioned that decision.  If it comes down to adoption or living children free... which would I choose?  Do I want a baby just to have one, or do I want a baby because I have so much love and life to share?  That is what I keep wondering.  To me, if you just want a baby to have a baby, then you shouldn't adopt, you shouldn't even be able to have a baby.  I mean honestly that is just the wrong reason.  However, if you want baby so that you can share you love and raise a person to learn life lessons then maybe you should have one. 

Ok, now with that known... what does it matter if that baby/child is my blood and flesh or not?  Well maybe for some people it doesn't matter.  To me it does seem to matter.  Less today than a year ago for sure.  But none the less it does seem to matter.  Maybe I am shallow and small minded.  However you have to understand that currently one of my greatest fears is to finally have a family of my own and then when my kid is a snotty, bitchy, moody teenager and says "Mom I hate you!" I will lose my mind and flip out because of what I went through to have that child.  This I know to those of you with kids probably sounds crazy and of course will not happen.  However I worry about that.  So now when I have the same issue and the child is adopted, will I be petty when I am angry and say something stupid?  Probably not, but until I am 100% sure that is correct I just can't in a good mind say I can adopt.

Am I thinking this out too much, or am I being a responsible adult and really thinking this through the right way?  I don't freaking know.

I pride myself on being pretty level headed, though sometimes I need to reflect on my actions for a little while before knowing what I did right and what I just fly off the handle and say or do that I shouldn't.  So I will say, overall I am level headed.  At work I can been as cool as a cucumber under pressure.  No problem.

Back to the point... Adoption yes or no??  Right now for me it is an "I don't know."  I guess by October first I will either make up my mind, or not have to.  Wait and see.