Welcome to my craziness!!!

This is me...

I am 29, almost 30 and have been dealing with infertility for about a year and half at this point.  Which to me seems like forever but to many others dealing with infertility a year and half is nothing, not even a wink.  I know that.

So I have tried this blog thing before and it always seems to end with me losing interest and not posting.  So I guess this might be what some consider my last ditch attempt to blog.  I asked myself the following questions (and gave the answers) when deciding to do this.

• Who are you writing this blog for?
• Myself, sorry peeps, but I want to be real and that means I have to be honest.  I am doing this for myself as an outlet.  I plan to be very honest and that may not always be nice.  Sorry.
• Who will read this blog?
• Hopefully friends and family.  If someone else finds this on the Internet I hope they read along and maybe have that moment of "oh yeah crap I totally understand and thank god I am not alone."
• Will my wonderful husband care if I blog about our very personal issues?
• Ok I didn't answer this.  I asked him if he cared if I started a blog.  He doesn't mind but I am sure at some point I will leave things out so he doesn't feel violated.  Only fair.
• Will you keep up with posting?
• I don't have a freaking clue.  I sure hope so because honestly I need to do something to get all of this out of my brain.
• Do you feel you can be honest about what is happening?
• Well yes I sure do.  If someone doesn't like it... don't read it!

With all of that decided I am starting... and what to start with??  The emails I have sent to family over the past year and half about what is happening.  That will bring you up to speed the quickest I believe.  Please note that I do have relatives that are in the medical field so I do give a bit of detail.  Consider this your warning.

Jun 10, 2011

Hi~

First I want to say sorry for the mass email.  Jeff and I have been dealing with infertility and it is a very hard topic to talk about in person so I felt that to bring the family up to speed it would be easier emotionally for us to do to this way.  The short story is that Jeff and I are extremely unlikely to have children without medical intervention.  If you don't want to know more then that stop reading here.  Otherwise continue on to read the whole story.

Jeff and I talked about the right time for us to have kids and set ourselves a general timeline.  I noticed that there were real issues with my cycles and went to the doctor.  It was decided then that we would need to see a reproductive specialist (REI).  We both attended the appointment with the REI doctor and left with a basic plan.  I went through a number of tests as well to see if there were any other issues and to get a firm diagnose.  Our first cycle of clomid worked to make me ovulate however we did not become pregnant.  This is not unusual but we were hopeful so the outcome was a bit painful.  Our second cycle of clomid did not work.  We are now on a higher clomid dosage, and we have decided with our doctor to try intrauterine insemination.  If that does not work we will move on through the process up to IVF.

The whole process has us, but me especially emotionally raw.  I will gladly answer any questions you have.  I do however ask that you don't ask me "how it is going" often.  We will tell you all as soon as something happens.  This could be a very long and hard road.  We are extremely lucky that with the technology available things move quickly (months not years) but it still feels like every month is a lifetime.

We were going to keep this just between us until there was big news.  However, the stress of this has taken a toll on us both, again me especially and I feel that if you know maybe you can all help play interference.

We appreciate your understanding and support.  Thanks. 

Kim & Jeff

Nov 3, 2011

Hi~

 I wish I could start this email with good news, however I cannot.  So I just wanted to give an update because some things have happened and I know everyone is thinking of us.  First Jeff and I both thank you all for the great support you have all been.  We don't talk much about it with anyone but knowing that we could does help.  We know everyone probably has questions but are nervous to ask so I thought an update would be good.  Now I will give some details, so boys if you don't want to know, don't read any more.

 After 4 failed cycles on clomid (oral medication) 3 of which also had IUI (insemination) we met with the doctor in August to decide on our next steps.  She laid out 4 options; continue with clomid and IUI, do injections and IUI, surgery, or IVF.  We talked with her and decided to move onto injections.  This involves me giving myself shots for 7-15ish days then another shot to ovulate(trigger).  IUI is done shortly after that and then we wait for 14 days.  We started shots in early Oct.  I was a human pin cushion as I had to get blood taken every 2-3 days as well.  After the IUI with use of the injections my cycle started very early in my 14 day waiting period.  I went in to see our doctor and she wanted to do some blood tests.  It ends up that my progesterone level was extremely low.  This means that my body was unable to support a pregnancy even if implantation was to happen.  So she and I talked at length.  We have decided to start another cycle of injections(different med) sometime next week.  This time we will do injections and blood draws for the 7-15 days, then a trigger shot, and a progesterone in oil shot(s).  Our doctor said she isn't messing around we are going to get this right. 

 We are hopeful that this new medication mix will work.  Each month is roller coaster and it wears me out.  Jeff is awesome but there are times that neither of us know what to say or do.  This month was very hard because the signs were looking good on Monday morning and by Tuesday afternoon we knew for sure the signs were not what we thought.  So we are trying to just focus on this last month being a learning experience and moving on. 

 Thank you all again for your support and understanding.  Please feel free to let me know if you have questions, because I know it can be confusing. 

 Kim & Jeff

Jan 25, 2012

Hello~

 This is a quick note for an update.  After two additional cycles on injections we still have not had a positive outcome.  After talking to the doctor we have schedule a laparoscopy for Feb. 3rd.  This is the same basic surgery I had done to remove my gallbladder but we hope the down time will be much much less.  I hope to be back to work the following Monday.  We will not really know our next steps until after the surgery is complete.  We may continue down the same path, or we might need to look at more aggressive treatment.  We will keep you posted.

 Kim & Jeff

Mar 21, 2012

Welcome to Summer.... in March!!!!

We wanted to send out another update as some things have changed.  The laporoscopy on Feb. 3rd found one spot of endometriosis that was removed and confirmed the diagnoses of polycystic ovaries.  So overall it went really well and we decided to just keep trying with injections and IUI for another 5 cycles.  In the cycle before the laporoscopy I had a lot of pain caused by the amount of HCG injected to cause ovulation.  The shot caused around 8 and maybe up to 12 eggs to break out of their follicles.  This causes a lot of fluid to be in my abdomen and it causes pressure and pain.  So for the last cycle we cut the HCG dose in half.  It should still work with just a half dose. 

 We waited the normal 14 days and I had not gotten my period, so I took a home pregnancy test.  It came back negative, but I called the doctor on Monday (12th) and they wanted to do a blood test.  At this point we were hopeful but trying to contain it.  On Tues it was confirmed that there was no pregnancy taking place.  I waited a whole extra week to start my period and get in with the doctor.  So I saw the doctor yesterday.  She did and ultrasound and found that both my ovaries had gone very cystic which is not normal for me.  We then decided to add an additional medication to this cycle.  I will take birth control pills (seems crazy I know) for 8 days to eliminate the cysts, then I will take my normal 20-30 days of injections.  The real difference is not this cycle, it is the planning we need to do for our next cycle. 

The doctor had originally said we would need to 5 more IUI cycles before changing treatment.  However, after the last cycle and the way my body reacted she now feels it is a reasonable time to look at IVF as an option.  We are welcome to continue trying IUI but she feels that with my ovaries being so cystic and it getting worse with each cycle that we would have a better chance with IVF.  The real issue is the cost ($7500 per cycle when we don't include medication costs).  Our insurance does not cover IVF at all.  We are lucky in that we have extra medication that will get us through an IVF cycle if we choose to do that.  However the procurers to do egg retrieval and such are not.  Jeff and I are talking and looking at our finances to see what is possible. 

This is a big change in game plans which came months earlier than we really expected.  We had talked about taking a break as the cycles are getting harder and harder for me.  Each time we get a negative it is a very hard hit to me emotionally and to Jeff as well.  So that is where everything stands currently.  I have found that being very open with people works the best for me, so please feel free to share information or these emails with anyone you see fit.  I am happy to answer questions and talk about it because that is what I feel I need to do.  We apologize for not attending parties and other functions as much as we have before.  Sometimes being around children is very hard for me, other times it is fine.  I find it much harder to be around those that are expecting.  For that reason we tend to skip parties or leave early.  It takes a toll on us both.  Thanks for your support and continued understanding.

Kim & Jeff

So that was March and now it is Jun... What has changed?  Well we went in and took the IVF class which was good.  They throw a ton at you and then plan to meet with you a few weeks later.  So we go our appointment with Dr. H (who by the way I love.  She is great!).  She asked us what our summer plans where and I told her in no uncertain terms that we are on vacation the first two weeks in Aug and I would like not to have to interrupt the vacation to come home for treatment.  So after talking about that we will be doing IVF in Sept.  So in my next post I will go through what my understanding of IVF is and give more information on the dates.  By the end of September we will know if IVF worked or not.

While we are here and talking... which by the way I do in my head all the time... I talk to groups in my head that don't exist in real life.  So talking to groups is really easy for me.  Yes because I do it in my head all the time.  Weird!  Anyway, while we are here and talking let me tell you some of the things that have happened in the last year and half that make it hard for me to function some days.

1. We did 9.. yes 9 failed cycles of IUI.
2. 2 of Jeff's cousins became pregnant and the way in which we were told made it really hard.  Needless to say, I hate family get togethers right now.
3. Said cousins have baby showers which I am invited to but decline nicely.
4. My sister finds out that surprise!!  You are 5.5 months pregnant.  Now let us just take a minute here.  I want to be very clear about this.  I love my sister and would move heaven and earth to ensure her happiness and fulfilled life.  I honestly would.  It broke her heart to have to tell me and it broke mine to hear it.  She is 6 years my younger, not married (but a very steady boyfriend of 6ish years), is scraping to get by, and well again she is my little sister.  So this was very hard.  But I love her and I will love my new little neice as well.
5. My sister is having baby showers.  To which I should go and ooh and ahh about cute baby stuff. However the first one was this past week and I lost it.  I bawled my eyes out in my office at 3:30 that day and decided I could not go.  I called my sister, who by the way is my best advocate about this.  She doesn't want me to be upset ever.  So she totally understood and was great.  However I feel like an ass because I can't pull myself together to go.  I shouldn't, I know that but I do.  My sister has been wonderful and that helps a lot.
6. Oh yes, baby showers mean baby stores... My big mistake was going to one... alone... yep never again.  Balling there in the parking lot after my purchases.
7. A friend of mine that started the same struggle is pregnant.  First let me say, I am happy for her and her husband.  I am.  However!  She got pregnant from her first... yes first IUI.  I am a jealous jealous whore... yes I am.  I feel like she doesn't know what it is really like to have to deal with this and she shouldn't be complaining at all.  I am a megabitch.  I am.  I know that.  I still love her and I am happy for her but when she says "I don't think I can go through this again" I want to lose my freaking mind and hit something. 
8. Well over 100 shots in my ass and more than 20 ultrasounds up the hooha... I am just adding these because really I feel like a lab rat and that sucks.
9. People say stupid things... which is a whole other post will be up soon.  That I can promise you.
10. I am finding that health issues come in pairs.... so I have a "mass" on my neck that I have to see a specialist for, my knee is screwy so I am in weekly PT for that, and I have a long term wart on my foot.

So there folks you have it.  This is my messed up crazy life.