So I think that most people have a special peaceful place that they love. Today I was lucky enough to be at mine. For some it could be their bed or their bath, for others a garage or driving the car. For me it is not only being at the 1000 islands but being on the river. The smell of water the rush of air and the feeling of the boat under me makes it my special peaceful place. It is a pretty stress free life here and I enjoy that. However this place has a many memories for me as well. I spent all my summer weekends as a child here with my family. By family I really mean extended family. Not only was I lucky enough to have a number of great cousins around but I also had wonderful friends of my family as well. I have more than two sets of grandparents and I have cousins of no relation and I still today hold them all very close.
So that makes you really think about family. I think one of the things that a lot of people going through infertility don't talk about is the big "what if we don't have any kids?" Why don't we talk about that? We are scared to death that maybe it will really happen and saying it out load makes it that much more of a reality. So let me be very honest here. I can become a freaking wreck thinking about what happens if I don't have any children. I don't worry about the thirties, forties, or even up into my early seventies. Those don’t seem to bother me but when I start thinking about mid seventies and up I get sad. See up until that point there are millions of things I can do to keep busy. However you hit a point where you start to slow down and you want or need family around to help you.
Who is that family that you turn to? Your children of course. So if you don't have kids then want? If my husband dies am I left alone in the world? No of course not. I have a sister and nieces that I know would be there for me but really at some point you just want your own kids to be there and care for you I think. So that focuses our hand to talk about adoption. This will be a whole other blog not for today.
You can see how thoughts of the future cause so much concern of us the infertile. Am I being silly? Maybe I am. But that is how I feel and that is how I think. Missing the kindergarten graduation, the high school graduation, and college graduations because they are for kids I don't have. Oh that makes me so mad. Not mad at the kids that get to do that or at the parents that get to enjoy it but at __________(fill in with whatever you like). The blank for me is nature.
Somewhere in my genetic makeup is this blip on the screen that should be my fertility. It just isn't there where it should be. I blame nature for that. I am searching for it and have brought in extra troops to search but we are having a hard time. We are calling in that special navy seal team in September. What are they? Navy seal team six? You know the guys that go on search and resource missions and always come home with the prize...those guys.
Back to the real point, I think a lifetime without kids would suck and it just isn't for me but I don't know if adoption is either. We will talk about that again later like I said. So I enjoyed my peaceful place today and plan to again tomorrow. The only annoying thing today for me was a thought I keep having. I was talking with a friend about trying to have a baby. In the process she told me about her friend from college who had to try for a whole year before she got pregnant and how hard her friend thought that was. Now I have to say that anytime you want something and you can't have it that you get mad and it seems nothing is fair. So yes for her I am sure it was hard. I just thinking that even having the chance to have a child naturally even if it takes a year is better than relying on technology and doctors. So that bothered me. One year of trying naturally and one year of trying with medical assistance are two different worlds. Again yes I am a jealous jealous whore. Last thought....when taking two antibiotics make sure you wear a lot of sunscreen. Oops!!!!
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