Long time

We went for first blood test on 9/25/12.  I had been having horrible pain for about 3 days at that point.  There were times I couldn't stand up.  Well they called me after the blood test, and I was prepared for the negative, and ready to hear it.  Well they told me.... it is positive, you are pregnant!  WHAT?!?!?!?!  Killer pains = baby?  I was shocked.  We followed with blood tests every 2 days and watched as the HCG level continued to rise nicely.  Then, it was another waiting game, about 2 weeks of waiting before we could have the first ultrasound to see how things were going.  Not to mention, find out how many decided to make a go of it!  First ultrasound was on 10/15/12, and there was..... wait for it....... ONE healthy beautiful baby in there.  The best part was the heartbeat.  We heard it loud and clear.  It was very cool.  We both are still holding our breath... so afraid anything we might do could ruin our chances.  However the second ultrasound was on 10/22/12 and everything was still looking great.  Everything is on track and the heart sounds good.  Just the size of a kidney bean and has a heart... wow.  Dr. H told us that in a few more weeks we get to graduate and move onto the normal OBGYN for the rest of the pregnancy.  Part of me is still in shock.  The other part is a mama bear.  I almost jump on people when they come in office and are sick.  GET AWAY FROM ME AND MY BABY!!!!!! So that is where things are as of today.. 10/22/12.  You won't see this post until a few weeks after I wrote it as we still haven't told our extended families.  Once we do... posting starts again.

A few things they don't tell you....

So we are knee deep in IVF right now.  Egg retrieval went well.  We got 14 eggs which was good.  8 were mature and could be fertilized.  From the 8 we got 5 that looked good and 1 that was questionable on day 1.  They decided to do the embryo transfer on day 3 and expected to put in 2-3 and freeze the others.  When we went in for the transfer I was excited and ready. 

The embryologist took us back to the room and explained that all 5 embryos were poor quality.  WHAT!!!  SHOCK....HORROR  WHAT?!?!?!  I just sat there looking at her, what do you say, how to do you ask questions you don't know you have?  I was stunned.  She tells us how the scale embryos and what has happened with ours, calling it fragmentation.  She continued that they had talk to my doctor, the other doctor in the practice and all three of them agree that putting all five back is our best chance.  She explains that there is not a good chance for any to continue to grow to the freezing stage so putting them back is the best thing..... SHOCK.... She asks if that is ok.....  I have had about a full 3 minutes to pull all this together in my head, I have no answer.  I look at hubby and he says, "Gotta do what we gotta do."  All five go back in.  And we all just have to hope that they (one, two, whatever) will take.  It isn't impossible.

Good Embryos

Our Five, not so good, ok, POOR quality Embryos

The doctor (not mine but the other) comes in and explains how we do the transfer and we do it.  He leaves but says if we have question to just get him from his office.  Lay here for 20 minutes he says.... ok.  He shuts the door and lose it.  I cry my eyes out as quietly as I can.  Hubby is there and holding my hand and trying to be a comfort.  Before the door leaves he gave us a picture of our embryos.... after he leaves I tell hubby the look sick, not right at all.  I was so angry.  I wasn't sad, not then I was pissed and for a few reasons that I didn't even understand at first.

1- they didn't tell us the grade of our embryos just that they were poor - I ended up calling back to get the fragmentation % of our Five... the answer was... "Your best was 50%, the rest were worse.
2 - no one told us about this and that it could happen
3 - my doctor wasn't there to give it to me straight and tell what was going on
4 - they called it being aggressive in treatment but I feel like it is a last minute attempt in a basketball game to through the ball into the net from the other end of the court.

Honestly there should be some book about the common things that can go wrong with IVF.  I spent probably an hour or two just trying to understand what "fragmentation" was and how bad a poor embryo is, and what it chances of making it are.  Maybe a call before we went in to say... hey look things aren't going great but we want to continue.  Come in and we can talk.  Something!  Anything!  I didn't want to lay there with no bottoms on crying about what may or may not happen.


So now it is a waiting game.  I could have 5 happy embryos or no happy embryos or some number between 0-5 in there.... we will see.  I hate waiting games.

Over Celebrating A New One

This past Saturday my mother got married.  It was a nice ceremony.  It took me a while to decide how I felt about the whole thing.  I am happy for my mom and her husband.  I guess the thing that got to me was just how much focus was put on my new baby niece.  It started early.  The photographer came up to the room to take some getting ready pictures.  In the process they took some of my sister, my mom, the baby, and then my sister, my mom, the baby and my sister's boyfriend.... there wasn't even one picture of me and my sister getting ready, or just the three of us getting ready.  

This was repeated again outside after the ceremony... pictures of the bride and groom with the baby... with my sister and her boyfriend.... not on picture of me, my hubby, the bride and groom.... 

To top off the oh so painful evening for me... I go upstairs to get my two IVF shots... and the stupid needle breaks because I am not focusing.  So I send hubby off to get another needle, and I go back to the reception... and what do I walk into?.....  Isn't She Lovely by Stevie Wonder is playing and there on the dance floor is my mom, her husband, my sister, her boyfriend, and the baby... it was very clear that this song was put on just for the baby.... however fucking wonderful.

So mom is off to Mexico for a week, but I called my sister today and she completely understood why I was upset.  She knows I don't blame her, but I was really hurt.  I guess I shouldn't hold anyone responsible, but at some point you have to just look around and go.... um really?  Hello.....  I shouldn't blame anyone... but I do, and I am hurt.  

So my new challenge is to make it to IVF... which is most likely next week without losing my mind.  Which with these high dose medications seems impossible.  I have already lost it twice.... So I have to make it through this and then also find a way to tell my mom how upset I am.... the blog probably just did that for me which might not be the nicest way... but I am not nice.  Never have been.  I am just trying to survive at this point.

On a happy note... one of my bestest friends asked me to be in her wedding next year!  I am happy and excited for that.

The things I have

There are a few things about infertility that you may not know.  I didn't know them until recently.  1- You get to talk to people that you have not talked to in a long time.  Two girls I went to school with have both reached out and shared their stories with me.  I am very happy to report that friend one is pregnant!  Friend two however, like myself, needs some additional help getting things to work out.  So I continue to think about her and send good thoughts her way.  So what else do you get from being infertile?  Well, 2 the right to have ice cream (replace with your favorite treat) whenever you leave the doctor.  This is new with IVF for me.  Before I would leave the office and go about my day.  However yesterday was my baseline ultrasound.  That sounds harmless... which I guess it is.  However the planning and teaching after made me need a nap badly.  It hit home that this is it.  We are doing IVF... ok writing the check for the payment really made it hit home.  This is our big chance.  It will work, it has to work.  It just has to.  I don't let myself think about the what ifs... it is just going to work.  Ok back to ice cream... so I was exhausted after the appointment and I wanted a nap but I worked all day.  Then at 8:30 last night I gave in and went and got ice cream.  It was great... just that simple joy of ice cream made me feel a little better.  So...

1- I have friends that understand

2- I can have ice cream damn it!

So the shots started just over a week ago.  Lupron to keep my system from ovulating and this week menopur to start egg production.  So I get one shot in the lower belly and one in the but/hip every night starting Friday... for now just the lower belly.  So that is all for now.  I was just thinking of my two friends and wanted to share with you all, that really we aren't alone no matter what our journey might be.

It has been awhile... a lot happened

Hi!  It has been awhile, how are you?  Oh me, well I am doing ok.  Let me update you.

I was away on a two week vacation at our camp which was nice.  The first week our refrigerator went out... ahhh!  So we craiglisted a new one!  Great fix... for 3-4 days... then that one had an issue.  Lucky for me, my hubby is a rockstar and fixed it!  In the mean time, the mowers hit a rock which in turn put a nice star crack in my windshield.  SCORE!  They are being a pain in the butt and have not yet agreed to replace it.  I still had fun and enjoyed my vacation.

On vacation day 10, my sister's water broke at 4am.  She had been home from camp for 12 hours!  AHHHHHHH!  Thank goodness she was home.  My 3rd beautiful niece was born at 7:27pm that night.  I headed home and missed the birth by 20 minutes!!!  If my sister hadn't been so good, and dilated from 7-9cm in minutes I would have been there.  Either way, she did great and has a wonderful and healthy baby!  3 weeks before the due date... so I say the due date was wrong!  She was 7pds 9oz!!!!  I was able to see her that night and then the next morning.  Then back in the car to head back to camp (2.5 hours drive).  (Yes I am totally jealous but I love that little munchkin like no tomorrow!!!  And my sister too!  She will be a wonderful mom.)

So what is the plan??

Well ladies and gentlemen we are starting IVF in 5 days.  By that I mean in 5 days I start my first run of shots.  Shots continue the whole time.  Then 7 days later I will have a baseline ultrasound.  11 days later I have another ultrasound.  They decide when Egg Retrieval is that day.... oh joy, a long needle in the hooha to get those suckers out.  They put all the girl and boy bits together and let them make something and grow... that can take 3-5 days... then back in we go.  This time they take the good embryos that were made and give them back to the hooha.  Then about one week later I get blood tests to see where my levels are.  That will give us a positive or negative outlook.  Now, I don't know how quickly we will tell people if it was positive or negative.  I know everyone will want to know right away, but I don't want a lot of excitement if a positive turns to negative quickly.  So we might hold out of awhile... if we can.  So please don't expect me to tell.. and don't ask.  Once we are ready to share we will.

So keep it all crossed for us until you hear more!

 Of course I will update other details as I can. 

For the love of children

Today I spent a good part of my day with my little cousins.  Coming in at ages 2 and (almost) 4 they are the cutest kids.  We played on the swings and did a bunch of other things.  It was a lot of fun.  So what is the problem?

Well it is complicated.  I have always loved kids.  I am some kind of kid magnet, they love me and I love them.  We have a lot of fun together.  I think the best example is when I met a co-workers daughter for the first time.  She was very cute and naturally friendly but she had known me for about 15 minutes when she came over and put her head on my lap and rubbed my leg.  It was pretty amazing.  I guess I just naturally have the ability to understand and get along with kids.  So why is it so hard these days to enjoy it?

Well, I do enjoy it, but after awhile I just need a break.  I need to walk away and gather myself.  I enjoy the time I spend with the kids but sometimes I need it to end.  I have just come to realize that sometimes I need a break.  

It is not just children, it is families... really families are worse.  Seeing something I am not sure I can have is hard.  So after a number of hours with my soon to be step-family today I was ready to be home.  My now SUPER pregnant sister was also there.  I am dealing with that much better than ever thought I could.  I am still jealous and I always will be I am sure but at some point you just have to get past it and move on.  So I am trying.  

I was tired when I got home but was thrilled that the hubbers was still home.  He was planning to head out for an overnight with friends and I didn't think I would see him.  He was asleep when I left and would leave before I got home.  He stayed long enough for me to get home and crash with him for a few.  That was nice.  I love the chance to have some down with him.  We are active and I am out and about a lot as is he, so we don't always get the chance to just hang out.

So in the end what did I figure out today?  Why did I write a blog today?  Children don't understand what we are going through and we should never expect them to.  So we continue to love them like we always have and we play with them and enjoy them.  Then when we have to, we come up with a reason to leave.  It happens a lot to me.  There are kids around up at our River House all the time.  So sometimes I just have to walk away.  It is ok for me to do that.  We have to continue to love kids like we always have.  Not just because we love them and want to enjoy them but because they love us.  They want to enjoy us and be with us as much as we want to be with them.  So, for the love of kids... we put on our big girl panties and deal.

2 part post... Meds and Fear

Fear sucks!  There are so many types of fear and so many ways of handling it.  I have fear of being a parent but it doesn't paralyze me.  I just know that I will do the best I can.  Right now I have a different fear.

A few posts ago I mentioned in passing a lump on my neck.  Well I went to see my normal doctor.  She ordered an ultrasound and then directly after she ordered a CT scan.  After getting the results she wanted me to see an Ear Nose, and Throat specialist.  She thought it was probably just a cyst.  So, ok I am off to ENT.

I see the ENT who wasn't the nicest person in the world but did his job I guess.  He wasn't sure what it was but wanted to remove it.  That means a lot of different things.  First it is 2 weeks out of work, then there is a chance of losing control of my lower lip on one side.  I am not a huge fan of that.  So I tell him that I am scheduled for IVF in September.  That makes him decide to do a biopsy.  They normally don't, as it is hard to get the number of cells needed.  However, in my case they will give it a try.  

Now when you think you are going to walk into ENT and they will say, oh let's just drain this thing, and you hear.. "Well I don't know what it is but it could be a few things.  First it could be a cyst which if you were 5-10 years older it wouldn't be.  But maybe it is.  It could be a lymph node, or maybe lymphoma.  You aren't a high risk person for lymphoma and you don't have the symptoms which is good, but it still could be."

WHAT?!?!?  Cancer.... who said anything about cancer???  This thing is a cyst... right?  RIGHT?!?  Oh good lord.  Sure just give me another thing to worry about.

Ok, so the biopsy is next week.  That is good we will know more then.  In the mean time I have really good moments where I don't let it get to me.  Then I have moments of fear where I just don't know how to handle it or how I feel.  Of course I would do anything I had to do if it is serious, but good lord.

How much can one person deal with??

Today my IVF meds showed up, well most of them.  A huge box of butt shots!  How great.  In the end I am glad to have them already and keep them around the house until it is time to use them.  

I just need to find a way to deal with the stress I guess.

When the truth is stretched thin.

Do you know that in the United States the only state that requires health insurance companies to cover IVF is Massachusetts?  A lot of people would just say, so what?  Well, to me that is huge.  My insurance is very clear in saying that they will cover NO costs associated with IVF.  That means the medication that they covered last month for IUI will not be covered this month for IVF.... it doesn't cost them any more but they will not pay for it. 

In reality, in the long run it will cost them less.  IVF cycle medications, 6K, IVF procedures 9K... IUI medications 1K-5.5K per cycle, and I have done 9 IUI cycles.  They have already paid for over 40K in medications for me and who knows how much in procedures... but they can't pick up the next 15K?  Crazy.

So what does this force us to do?  Well we save any unused medications each cycle and stock pile them like people do food before the zombie's invade.  I mean really the stuff is like gold to us, the infertile.  The doctor's office gives us stuff for IVF that we can't afford from the pharmacy.  Worse come to worse we order refills we might not really need to use to just ensure we have the medication on hand.  Is this insurance fraud???

Well no I don't think it is.  I am ordering the meds when my current amount on hand is running low.  I know I will need the meds so I just reorder.  No harm there.

I guess my real question here is.... Why isn't IVF covered?  Why do insurance companies say no?  After I have a baby my insurance premium will go up, I will be paying more into the system.  How is that not a win/win for insurance companies?  I know there are million reasons why it isn't a win/win but so what? 

If the government isn't forcing insurance companies to cover IVF, why do I have to pay taxes for some crackhead mom to get coverage for having her 8th child?  If the government can tell me I can't have children then they sure as shit better put that crazy BI*** on some birth control.  (Jealous Jealous Whore, yep that's me)

That is what makes me mad.  We are forced to help those in society that won't help themselves, but those of us that are just trying to have a family can't.  It just isn't fair. 

I work in the mental health field and I see a lot of people that CAN'T help themselves which is a totally different world then those that WON'T.  So understand me, I am willing to pay my taxes and help support the ill that need help.  It is the people that play the system, and do stupid things that really annoy me.  I started working at the age of 16.  I have worked hard and climbed the ladder to get myself were I am today.  Why do I have to shell out so much money to have a family?

I know there isn't an answer and some people probably think I just afford the IVF because I work and make ok money.  That is wrong.  I pay my bills and at the end of the month I don't have IVF money laying around.  I had to get a loan to help me through this.  Would that crackhead mom get a loan for IVF?  Hell no, no one would approve her.  So why do I have to go through this? 

Needless to say, today was spent dealing with insurance companies and trying to figure out how to get coverage for my next round of medications.  Oh well, just another day.

Am I ok?

So my blog can be pretty negative and I know some of my family and friends worry about me.  If I look back at my teenage years, I was not a happy person.  I wasn't a happy teenager.  I got by and did ok, but it was really more into my 18-19 and early 20s when I really started to learn who I was.  Each test I go through in life teaches me a little more about who I am.  I look back at the poems I wrote in school and I was pretty lonely and felt isolated.  That passed, just as this will pass as well.

I think the big question that a lot of people going through this ask themselves is, "Do I need help?"  That is something that only the person in the situation can answer.  So I ask myself... do you need help?  The answer is two parts.  Part 1 - yes I need the support and love of my friends and family that is help.  Part 2 - As of this moment no I do not need professional help.  I very clearly know that IVF has the chance of not working.  If it doesn't... (I don't even like to think that) then yes I will need professional help.  I am not
there yet people.  So chill out.  You know what my life is like?

I have a high stress, high intensity job.  I am not saving lives here people, but I am allowing for others to do it.  This means there is a lot on my plate most days.  I get work calls at all times of the night, at least once a week.  I travel between sites for meetings and updates.  This might not be the most stressful job in the world but it has its days.  Overseeing about 100 or so staff can be a challenge.  I love it.  I go home to a house that needs a little work and attention.  I have been out of grad school for less than a year and the hubby has been out of college for less than two months.  So life was crazy until just a few months ago.  Stress is something we know pretty well.  I do well with some stress in my life, I like being under the gun.  There are days I get overwhelmed and overtired.  I have to step back and make adjustments so I don't burn out, which I still do at least once or twice a year.  I burn the candle and both ends and then they meet in the middle and I crash and burn hard.  I know it happens, I expect it and I deal with it.

So what is the post really about?  It is just a post to say, I am ok.  I am really doing ok.  I have had a full month drug free to clear my head and feel normal.  I am ok.  I am strong and I will make it through whatever might happen.  There are days I question my strength and my stability but it is always there and it always will be.  So today is a good day and tomorrow will be good as well, and I am ok.

Adoption....

I may not be laughing as much as I once did but I do laugh and I do choose to keep moving.

I am wondering what to write about today... there are many things that I could write about but so many of them are bitchy topics.  Things I want to complain about.  Mind you, I like to complain from time to time.  Well in reality I like to bitch.  I can bitch about anything!  It is an awesome talent that really does nothing for anyone, but I have it.  So maybe I need to find something more positive to talk about today... so what shall it be?

Is there anything postive the comes from infertility?  I guess that depends on how you look at it.  I was watching Family Jewels the other night.  Yes the Gene Simmons show.  I have a sick love affair with the show.  Well anyway!  Shannon his wife is looking to adopt or have another baby.  Why?  I don't know her face looks like someone pinned half it behind her ears, I mean really, stop with the face lifts!  If you have had a face lift... you might be too old to have kids... might.  Just saying.

So she makes this whole trip to Africa about Gene meeting the children he sponors (supports with money).  The idea was to make him want to take them home and care for them as far as I can tell.  Jeff and I watched this together.  After the show was over I asked Jeff if he had thought about adoption any more.

The back story here is that we had both decided that adoption was not for us.  DON'T YELL AT ME.  1, if you aren't dealing with infertility don't think for one second that you can answer the adoption question.  You can't.  It is one thing to be Angelia Jolie who adopts to give childen in need of a good home, a good place, and having to adopt as the only way to have a family.  2, it is a very personal decision.

So yes we had decided we were not interested in adoption.  However the closer and closer we got to IVF the more I questioned that decision.  If it comes down to adoption or living children free... which would I choose?  Do I want a baby just to have one, or do I want a baby because I have so much love and life to share?  That is what I keep wondering.  To me, if you just want a baby to have a baby, then you shouldn't adopt, you shouldn't even be able to have a baby.  I mean honestly that is just the wrong reason.  However, if you want baby so that you can share you love and raise a person to learn life lessons then maybe you should have one. 

Ok, now with that known... what does it matter if that baby/child is my blood and flesh or not?  Well maybe for some people it doesn't matter.  To me it does seem to matter.  Less today than a year ago for sure.  But none the less it does seem to matter.  Maybe I am shallow and small minded.  However you have to understand that currently one of my greatest fears is to finally have a family of my own and then when my kid is a snotty, bitchy, moody teenager and says "Mom I hate you!" I will lose my mind and flip out because of what I went through to have that child.  This I know to those of you with kids probably sounds crazy and of course will not happen.  However I worry about that.  So now when I have the same issue and the child is adopted, will I be petty when I am angry and say something stupid?  Probably not, but until I am 100% sure that is correct I just can't in a good mind say I can adopt.

Am I thinking this out too much, or am I being a responsible adult and really thinking this through the right way?  I don't freaking know.

I pride myself on being pretty level headed, though sometimes I need to reflect on my actions for a little while before knowing what I did right and what I just fly off the handle and say or do that I shouldn't.  So I will say, overall I am level headed.  At work I can been as cool as a cucumber under pressure.  No problem.

Back to the point... Adoption yes or no??  Right now for me it is an "I don't know."  I guess by October first I will either make up my mind, or not have to.  Wait and see.

The strength of a weak woman

Saturday was my sister's second baby shower.  I went, which is much better than I did with the first shower.  I feared it would be horrible and I would feel out of place and be very uncomfortable.  Well that was all pretty much right except the horrible part.  It wasn't horrible, it was just hard.  Lucky for me a large number of the people at the shower knew about the issues at hand.  My sister didn't want me to feel any of those things and she would have been fine if I didn't go.  However I would not have been fine with myself.  I needed to go and I needed to show my support.  So I did.  I just decided when enough was enough and left when the gifts were getting opened.  That was good by my standards.


I thought maybe I was beginning to deal with things better.  I could take things in my stride more.  Well that was wrong.  I love pinterest but I swear to god if one more person posts a picture of a baby with the word love where the "V" is the baby's feet I am going to scream.  There is only so much I can do to protect myself from all the baby stuff in the world.  So am I dealing better?  Hell no I am not dealing better.  But I am open and I talk about it.


More than once over the weekend people came up to me and said, "I read your blog and I really like it" or "Your blog is so good."  That makes me really happy.  One positive comment takes away a great deal of negative comments.  It makes me feel good about what I am doing.


So that photo above is pretty clear.  I do think it is correct.  When you really want something and you can't have it you feel horrible.  The only way I can really explain it for the general population that hasn't been through what I am going through is this....  You know when you want an Oreo and you don't have any in the house?  You haven't had one in the longest time and you just want one to dunk in some cold milk and enjoy.  All you can think of is that cookie..  OR we could say, when you were kid, or even really now, and someone tells you that you can't have something.  Like my husband telling me I can't have any of his chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels.  Now they aren't even really one of my favorite things.  I could live my whole life and not have one and that would be fine.  As soon as I am told I can't have it, it is all I can think about.  I have to go have a few just to prove the point.  Well there you go.  You now have an idea of what 1/200000000 of what I feel anytime I see baby stuff.  


It sucks and it is freaking everywhere.  Again as normal, I am a jealous jealous whore.  But what the hell?  I hide people on facebook, I don't follow them on pinterest and yet stuff pops everywhere.  It is never ending.  


So am I strong or am I weak?  Well honestly I think I am both.  I have really good days when I am super strong and I have really shitty days where I am super weak and break down.  Both types of days are ok I think.  I can handle them both as long as there more good than bad I think it is good.  


So today was a good strong day.  Tomorrow... well I guess we will see.

IUI Left Overs and IVF Prep

So in my first post I explained what cycles we had done.  All of them were IUI which is just insemination, now I say that like... oh it is no big deal.  That is because now to me it just isn't a big deal.  I went through it too many times for it to be anything but normal.  Let me outline the steps of an IUI.

• Ultrasound (inter-vaginal) to determine what ovaries and uterus look like.
• Start medication to develop follicles that carry eggs (hopefully)
• Few days (7ish) with medication and then another ultrasound to see how the follicles are doing.
• If all is good plan either another ultrasound or the IUI.
• Get and HCG injection to release the eggs.
• Send Hubby in to give sample. (You know what I mean)
• Go in and have "washed" sample placed.
• Wait 2 weeks and take a test.  If the test is negative and you don't start your period you get to have a blood test to confirm.

I should have counted how long each of my cycles where but when I said you take meds for 7ish days that is for the "normal" person.  I regularly was taking medications for 15-21 days.  So my cycles were much longer than most.  

As most people do, we started with clomid which is an oral medication just like your daily vitamin.  We moved onto injection medications pretty quickly because my body was having a hard time reacting to the clomid.  So what does injections mean?  Well honestly it means a lot of mail ordered medications.  The first injection was a pen.  You pick the dosage and grab some belly fat and inject!  No problem.  It was so easy.  However that only lasted once cycle then we moved onto my dear and close friend Menopur.

Ah yes good old Menopur.  So each of these boxes contains 5 menopur powder vials and liquid mix.  You have to mix the liquid and powder each time.  The good news is that if your dose of menopur is all 5 vials of powder you can use just one bottle of liquid.  Oh thank god.  If not, it would be five different shots... I have been on 5 vials, and i would not be thrilled to have had 5 shots a night.  Menopur is put into the upper butt area, so giving them to myself was a no go.  Jeff and a few friends are the lucky ones to help with this.

The menopur is part of my shot work station.  Wanna see the rest???  Oh good I knew you would.

Supplies unopened so far.

More things waiting... yes with my salt and pepper shaker and tea pot.

The bowl of Needles, alcohol wipes, and gauze

Sharps container for used needles

syringes in a nice vase and medication

So let me explain some things.  Syringes come with needles on them right?  Right.  However they are a huge ouchy gauge you don't want to put in you butt every day.  So that is why there is a bowl of needles.  Just as long (which is long) but a smaller gauge (smaller whole in the butt).  Sharps container for the needles and syringes after use.  The meds shown are 2 sets of menopur vials, progesterone in oil (another shot), and HCG (in the box but a shot).

Ok so now you can see what one cycle entails.  It isn't all fun and games trying to make a baby people.  It is shots in the butt!  How many you ask?  Well lets see here...... longest cycle was about 21 menopur shots, 14 progesterone shots, and one HCG shot.  That is 36 shots in 37 days.  Then you get about 7-10 days free before you start all over.  Assuming it didn't work.

What does that equal?

I fill the containers so that they are full and I can't fit one more thing.  So here is a pretty empty one... my current one.  Here are the full ones.

Yep.... four filled to top ready to bust containers... that is a lot of needles.  Well over 100.

The last thing my shot station has?

The carrying case.  You don't want to walk around with people knowing you have needles in your purse.  It just isn't smart.  So I carry them in a sunglasses case with RX in my purse always.  

So now I have some meds ready for IVF time but it isn't everything.  There will be much much more.  I think that is a good quick look at the process of IUI.  

Tomorrow is my sister's second baby shower.  I am going to attempt to go.  I hope I can make it even if just for a short time.  I will be sure to let you all know!

Holidays... Win/Fail?

I love quotes, can you tell?  I found this one a few months ago and used it as my phone lock screen for a long time.  I just gotta get there.... yeah sounds so freaking easy.

Holidays.... Jingle bells Jingle bells I have no eggs, the goods ones left, and I am screwed not matter what I try. 

Ok ok that isn't really true and please don't sing that more than a few times. Maybe not all holidays suck.  Let's start that the beginning of the year.

New Years!!!  - A day to remember that you have tried for yet another year to have a baby and all you have to show for it is.... about $40k in meds used, a sore butt from shots, and all those negative test... New Years is a fail.

Mother's Day - Do I really need to say anything here?  Let's celebrate the one thing in life that I want more than anything and can't seem to have.  Yeah major fail.

Memorial Day - Ok maybe I can enjoy this one... I get to open my summer place and have some time with family, not a waste.  WIN!

Father's Day - Again... Let's celebrate the one thing my hubby wants more than anything and can't seem to have.  And let's top it off by commercials and cards and gifts and all that jazz.  FAIL

July 4 - Assuming not one person asks me when we will be having kids this is a win for me.  I get to see my twin nieces who rock my socks off.  They are the cutest two little people in the world!  Win!

Labor Day - I hate this holiday because of the name only.  Honestly I really do.  We couldn't come up with a different name?  I don't know it is just annoying.  FAIL

Veteran's Day - Although a very important holiday in my mind I do not get off of work therefore in my world this is not a Holiday.  FAIL

Halloween - Oh wholly crap... right... kids and candy... the candy, sure I will take that... but my diet will not... FAIL

Thanksgiving - I LOVE Thanksgiving.  I love turkey and stuffing and all the stuff that goes with it.  So I will give this a WIN

Christmas - This might just be the worst the holiday (other than the aforementioned mother's and father's days) for me.  I have not liked Christmas for years, however it is worse now.  Let's celebrate the immaculate conception of a baby.... WHAT?!?!?!?! Are you kidding me?  Do you know what I would do to have that???  Anything!  We will do this by spending tons of money and pretending to give our kids gifts from a fat guy in a red suit.  The problem here.... I DON'T HAVE KIDS!!!!  I love the fat guy, really I do.  He always brought what I wanted and never really let me down.  However I now have found a new level of hate for Christmas.  Isn't that horrible?  I should be happy and love everyone.  I don't.  I do love buying gifts for my nieces and seeing them all excited and finding the right gift for family is fun.  But the rest really sucks.    FAIL!

Ya know, I reread my posts and I say to myself... wow you are bitchy and sound horrible.  But this is reality people.  REALITY!  Which means things can suck and you can be unhappy.  That is ok.  However back to the top... Just because today is terrible doesn't mean tomorrow will be too.  So chin up!!!  I tell myself that and I want to hit myself in the jaw... I don't do it, but I so could.

So what is the out come... a total of 10 holidays listed and 3 wins, and 7 fails... ouch.  I was looking for more of a 50/50 split.. that didn't happen and I only used some holidays.

I can't stop the holidays nor do I really want to.  However I really want people to be aware that for some the holidays, all of them, are not fun.  It is a struggle to get by.  We don't like the build up to the holiday or the day itself.  We do appreciate the no work though... Thanks for that.

Father's day was yesterday.  I was lucky to be able to see my dad for awhile.  I do know that my husband struggled with the day just like I do with mother's day.  We are different people; I would talk your ear off about how the holiday makes me feel.  Jeff, not so much.  He just wanted to rest and be alone.  That is ok.  He should have whatever time and whatever space he needs.  He knows I am here for him no matter what.

So that is the holidays for this infertile person.

Before I go I wanted to share something.  I have heard from a number of people not only about my blog here, but also about my openness with infertility.  Some say I am brave to say it the way it is, and others thank me for being open about something they are dealing with and don't feel they can be open about.  I want to thank them for reading, and supporting me.  Your kind words give me strength when I have run out.  People come out of the woodwork to tell me how they went through the same thing or something similar.  I am always shocked.  You know why?  They never said anything.  I totally understand why.  It is so very personal.  We had one of our close relatives question us and say that we shouldn't share this.  My response was, "Damn right I am going to tell people.  I will tell anyone that will listen.  If you don't want to listen then don't."  They don't, they unfriended me on Facebook and never say a word about it.  That is ok with me.  Some people share and some don't.  So my honest thoughts on this are as follows... if you want to share, then do it.  Don't care who is going to be offended or who you might upset.  That is their problem.  If you want to keep it to yourself and deal with it on that level, then do that.  There is no right or wrong way to do this.  Just one day at time.  That is all we can do.  Keep breathing and keep walking.

When I am 80 who will care for me?

So I think that most people have a special peaceful place that they love.  Today I was lucky enough to be at mine.  For some it could be their bed or their bath, for others a garage or driving the car.  For me it is not only being at the 1000 islands but being on the river.  The smell of water the rush of air and the feeling of the boat under me makes it my special peaceful place.  It is a pretty stress free life here and I enjoy that.  However this place has a many memories for me as well.  I spent all my summer weekends as a child here with my family.  By family I really mean extended family.  Not only was I lucky enough to have a number of great cousins around but I also had wonderful friends of my family as well.  I have more than two sets of grandparents and I have cousins of no relation and I still today hold them all very close.

So that makes you really think about family.  I think one of the things that a lot of people going through infertility don't talk about is the big "what if we don't have any kids?"  Why don't we talk about that?  We are scared to death that maybe it will really happen and saying it out load makes it that much more of a reality.  So let me be very honest here.  I can become a freaking wreck thinking about what happens if I don't have any children.  I don't worry about the thirties, forties, or even up into my early seventies.  Those don’t seem to bother me but when I start thinking about mid seventies and up I get sad.  See up until that point there are millions of things I can do to keep busy.  However you hit a point where you start to slow down and you want or need family around to help you.  

Who is that family that you turn to?  Your children of course.  So if you don't have kids then want?  If my husband dies am I left alone in the world?  No of course not.  I have a sister and nieces that I know would be there for me but really at some point you just want your own kids to be there and care for you I think.   So that focuses our hand to talk about adoption.  This will be a whole other blog not for today.

You can see how thoughts of the future cause so much concern of us the infertile.  Am I being silly?  Maybe I am.  But that is how I feel and that is how I think.  Missing the kindergarten graduation, the high school graduation, and college graduations because they are for kids I don't have.  Oh that makes me so mad.  Not mad at the kids that get to do that or at the parents that get to enjoy it but at __________(fill in with whatever you like).  The blank for me is nature.

Somewhere in my genetic makeup is this blip on the screen that should be my fertility.  It just isn't there where it should be.  I blame nature for that.  I am searching for it and have brought in extra troops to search but we are having a hard time.  We are calling in that special navy seal team in September. What are they?  Navy seal team six?  You know the guys that go on search and resource missions and always come home with the prize...those guys.

Back to the real point, I think a lifetime without kids would suck and it just isn't for me but I don't know if adoption is either.  We will talk about that again later like I said.  So I enjoyed my peaceful place today and plan to again tomorrow.  The only annoying thing today for me was a thought I keep having.  I was talking with a friend about trying to have a baby.  In the process she told me about her friend from college who had to try for a whole year before she got pregnant and how hard her friend thought that was.  Now I have to say that anytime you want something and you can't have it that you get mad and it seems nothing is fair.  So yes for her I am sure it was hard.  I just thinking that even having the chance to have a child naturally even if it takes a year is better than relying on technology and doctors.  So that bothered me.  One year of trying naturally and one year of trying with medical assistance are two different worlds.  Again yes I am a jealous jealous whore. Last thought....when taking two antibiotics make sure you wear a lot of sunscreen.  Oops!!!!

The Truth, Say It or Don't

This is really very true.  I posted my first blog yesterday and it upset some people.  I will not say that I am sorry or that I was wrong.  I will however again say that this blog is for me.  Therefore I am going to continue to be open and honest.  If you have a problem with that or it upsets you then you should contact me or Jeff.  Or you can stop reading it.  Nothing I post here is meant to be hurtful to anyone.  I don't think I need to keep what I am going through private.  I would scream it from roof tops.  "Infertility sucks!!!!"  It does.  I hate infertility I don't hate the fertile.  Those are two different things.  So I plan to continue to post the truth... which will set you free but it will piss you off first. 


So let's talk about the things that people do that they really should not.

Yes, people say stupid stuff and do things they think is protecting you when it isn't.  


There are a few things I will never ask someone when I first meet them and some things I will never say in general..

• Do you have kids?
• Why don't you have kids?
• When are you going to start trying?
• It will happen when the time is right.
• When you give up it will happen.
• Just relax it will happen.
• Try and forget about it.
• You worry too much.

I mean there are a million other things but these are the few I can think of right off the top of my head.


Then the protection piece... some protection you need.  My sister-in-law is awesome.  She will txt me when she knows baby shower invites are in the mail so I have advanced notice.  As did one of Jeff's cousins.  That is a huge help.  I know it is coming and I can deal with it.  I love that.


Another great thing was when our friend called me the day she found our she was pregnant.  She told me first so that I wasn't shocked and upset when I heard it from someone else.  It was a huge help.  Those that avoid telling me just make it 100% worse.  

So the truth is that some protection is great, but too much protection is not good.


The other thing that happens a lot is I hide people on Facebook.  People who I have known for a very long time and that I am happy they can have their start at a family, yup I hide them.  I don't want to read about the maternity clothes shopping or the super wonderful stroller that they found for just $80.  I don't want to see it because it upsets me.  Again yes I am a jealous jealous whore!  So I hide those people.  It is just easier on me.


Today I called my sister and asked her how my first blog made her feel.  She said she was fine with it.  She wasn't upset or anything.  That made me feel pretty good.  She was extremely supportive.


I guess in the end, that is the thing about truth, it just is what it is.  I am being open and honest because I feel I need to be.  The great thing about this is, if you don't care for it you don't have to read it.  That is ok with me.  As of this moment my blog has been up for less than 24 hours and has been viewed over 100 time.  So either I have one really crazed fan, or people are interested in what I have to say.  I am going to go with the one fan for now. 

Welcome to my craziness!!!

This is me...

I am 29, almost 30 and have been dealing with infertility for about a year and half at this point.  Which to me seems like forever but to many others dealing with infertility a year and half is nothing, not even a wink.  I know that.

So I have tried this blog thing before and it always seems to end with me losing interest and not posting.  So I guess this might be what some consider my last ditch attempt to blog.  I asked myself the following questions (and gave the answers) when deciding to do this.

• Who are you writing this blog for?
• Myself, sorry peeps, but I want to be real and that means I have to be honest.  I am doing this for myself as an outlet.  I plan to be very honest and that may not always be nice.  Sorry.
• Who will read this blog?
• Hopefully friends and family.  If someone else finds this on the Internet I hope they read along and maybe have that moment of "oh yeah crap I totally understand and thank god I am not alone."
• Will my wonderful husband care if I blog about our very personal issues?
• Ok I didn't answer this.  I asked him if he cared if I started a blog.  He doesn't mind but I am sure at some point I will leave things out so he doesn't feel violated.  Only fair.
• Will you keep up with posting?
• I don't have a freaking clue.  I sure hope so because honestly I need to do something to get all of this out of my brain.
• Do you feel you can be honest about what is happening?
• Well yes I sure do.  If someone doesn't like it... don't read it!

With all of that decided I am starting... and what to start with??  The emails I have sent to family over the past year and half about what is happening.  That will bring you up to speed the quickest I believe.  Please note that I do have relatives that are in the medical field so I do give a bit of detail.  Consider this your warning.

Jun 10, 2011

Hi~

First I want to say sorry for the mass email.  Jeff and I have been dealing with infertility and it is a very hard topic to talk about in person so I felt that to bring the family up to speed it would be easier emotionally for us to do to this way.  The short story is that Jeff and I are extremely unlikely to have children without medical intervention.  If you don't want to know more then that stop reading here.  Otherwise continue on to read the whole story.

Jeff and I talked about the right time for us to have kids and set ourselves a general timeline.  I noticed that there were real issues with my cycles and went to the doctor.  It was decided then that we would need to see a reproductive specialist (REI).  We both attended the appointment with the REI doctor and left with a basic plan.  I went through a number of tests as well to see if there were any other issues and to get a firm diagnose.  Our first cycle of clomid worked to make me ovulate however we did not become pregnant.  This is not unusual but we were hopeful so the outcome was a bit painful.  Our second cycle of clomid did not work.  We are now on a higher clomid dosage, and we have decided with our doctor to try intrauterine insemination.  If that does not work we will move on through the process up to IVF.

The whole process has us, but me especially emotionally raw.  I will gladly answer any questions you have.  I do however ask that you don't ask me "how it is going" often.  We will tell you all as soon as something happens.  This could be a very long and hard road.  We are extremely lucky that with the technology available things move quickly (months not years) but it still feels like every month is a lifetime.

We were going to keep this just between us until there was big news.  However, the stress of this has taken a toll on us both, again me especially and I feel that if you know maybe you can all help play interference.

We appreciate your understanding and support.  Thanks. 

Kim & Jeff

Nov 3, 2011

Hi~

 I wish I could start this email with good news, however I cannot.  So I just wanted to give an update because some things have happened and I know everyone is thinking of us.  First Jeff and I both thank you all for the great support you have all been.  We don't talk much about it with anyone but knowing that we could does help.  We know everyone probably has questions but are nervous to ask so I thought an update would be good.  Now I will give some details, so boys if you don't want to know, don't read any more.

 After 4 failed cycles on clomid (oral medication) 3 of which also had IUI (insemination) we met with the doctor in August to decide on our next steps.  She laid out 4 options; continue with clomid and IUI, do injections and IUI, surgery, or IVF.  We talked with her and decided to move onto injections.  This involves me giving myself shots for 7-15ish days then another shot to ovulate(trigger).  IUI is done shortly after that and then we wait for 14 days.  We started shots in early Oct.  I was a human pin cushion as I had to get blood taken every 2-3 days as well.  After the IUI with use of the injections my cycle started very early in my 14 day waiting period.  I went in to see our doctor and she wanted to do some blood tests.  It ends up that my progesterone level was extremely low.  This means that my body was unable to support a pregnancy even if implantation was to happen.  So she and I talked at length.  We have decided to start another cycle of injections(different med) sometime next week.  This time we will do injections and blood draws for the 7-15 days, then a trigger shot, and a progesterone in oil shot(s).  Our doctor said she isn't messing around we are going to get this right. 

 We are hopeful that this new medication mix will work.  Each month is roller coaster and it wears me out.  Jeff is awesome but there are times that neither of us know what to say or do.  This month was very hard because the signs were looking good on Monday morning and by Tuesday afternoon we knew for sure the signs were not what we thought.  So we are trying to just focus on this last month being a learning experience and moving on. 

 Thank you all again for your support and understanding.  Please feel free to let me know if you have questions, because I know it can be confusing. 

 Kim & Jeff

Jan 25, 2012

Hello~

 This is a quick note for an update.  After two additional cycles on injections we still have not had a positive outcome.  After talking to the doctor we have schedule a laparoscopy for Feb. 3rd.  This is the same basic surgery I had done to remove my gallbladder but we hope the down time will be much much less.  I hope to be back to work the following Monday.  We will not really know our next steps until after the surgery is complete.  We may continue down the same path, or we might need to look at more aggressive treatment.  We will keep you posted.

 Kim & Jeff

Mar 21, 2012

Welcome to Summer.... in March!!!!

We wanted to send out another update as some things have changed.  The laporoscopy on Feb. 3rd found one spot of endometriosis that was removed and confirmed the diagnoses of polycystic ovaries.  So overall it went really well and we decided to just keep trying with injections and IUI for another 5 cycles.  In the cycle before the laporoscopy I had a lot of pain caused by the amount of HCG injected to cause ovulation.  The shot caused around 8 and maybe up to 12 eggs to break out of their follicles.  This causes a lot of fluid to be in my abdomen and it causes pressure and pain.  So for the last cycle we cut the HCG dose in half.  It should still work with just a half dose. 

 We waited the normal 14 days and I had not gotten my period, so I took a home pregnancy test.  It came back negative, but I called the doctor on Monday (12th) and they wanted to do a blood test.  At this point we were hopeful but trying to contain it.  On Tues it was confirmed that there was no pregnancy taking place.  I waited a whole extra week to start my period and get in with the doctor.  So I saw the doctor yesterday.  She did and ultrasound and found that both my ovaries had gone very cystic which is not normal for me.  We then decided to add an additional medication to this cycle.  I will take birth control pills (seems crazy I know) for 8 days to eliminate the cysts, then I will take my normal 20-30 days of injections.  The real difference is not this cycle, it is the planning we need to do for our next cycle. 

The doctor had originally said we would need to 5 more IUI cycles before changing treatment.  However, after the last cycle and the way my body reacted she now feels it is a reasonable time to look at IVF as an option.  We are welcome to continue trying IUI but she feels that with my ovaries being so cystic and it getting worse with each cycle that we would have a better chance with IVF.  The real issue is the cost ($7500 per cycle when we don't include medication costs).  Our insurance does not cover IVF at all.  We are lucky in that we have extra medication that will get us through an IVF cycle if we choose to do that.  However the procurers to do egg retrieval and such are not.  Jeff and I are talking and looking at our finances to see what is possible. 

This is a big change in game plans which came months earlier than we really expected.  We had talked about taking a break as the cycles are getting harder and harder for me.  Each time we get a negative it is a very hard hit to me emotionally and to Jeff as well.  So that is where everything stands currently.  I have found that being very open with people works the best for me, so please feel free to share information or these emails with anyone you see fit.  I am happy to answer questions and talk about it because that is what I feel I need to do.  We apologize for not attending parties and other functions as much as we have before.  Sometimes being around children is very hard for me, other times it is fine.  I find it much harder to be around those that are expecting.  For that reason we tend to skip parties or leave early.  It takes a toll on us both.  Thanks for your support and continued understanding.

Kim & Jeff

So that was March and now it is Jun... What has changed?  Well we went in and took the IVF class which was good.  They throw a ton at you and then plan to meet with you a few weeks later.  So we go our appointment with Dr. H (who by the way I love.  She is great!).  She asked us what our summer plans where and I told her in no uncertain terms that we are on vacation the first two weeks in Aug and I would like not to have to interrupt the vacation to come home for treatment.  So after talking about that we will be doing IVF in Sept.  So in my next post I will go through what my understanding of IVF is and give more information on the dates.  By the end of September we will know if IVF worked or not.

While we are here and talking... which by the way I do in my head all the time... I talk to groups in my head that don't exist in real life.  So talking to groups is really easy for me.  Yes because I do it in my head all the time.  Weird!  Anyway, while we are here and talking let me tell you some of the things that have happened in the last year and half that make it hard for me to function some days.

1. We did 9.. yes 9 failed cycles of IUI.
2. 2 of Jeff's cousins became pregnant and the way in which we were told made it really hard.  Needless to say, I hate family get togethers right now.
3. Said cousins have baby showers which I am invited to but decline nicely.
4. My sister finds out that surprise!!  You are 5.5 months pregnant.  Now let us just take a minute here.  I want to be very clear about this.  I love my sister and would move heaven and earth to ensure her happiness and fulfilled life.  I honestly would.  It broke her heart to have to tell me and it broke mine to hear it.  She is 6 years my younger, not married (but a very steady boyfriend of 6ish years), is scraping to get by, and well again she is my little sister.  So this was very hard.  But I love her and I will love my new little neice as well.
5. My sister is having baby showers.  To which I should go and ooh and ahh about cute baby stuff. However the first one was this past week and I lost it.  I bawled my eyes out in my office at 3:30 that day and decided I could not go.  I called my sister, who by the way is my best advocate about this.  She doesn't want me to be upset ever.  So she totally understood and was great.  However I feel like an ass because I can't pull myself together to go.  I shouldn't, I know that but I do.  My sister has been wonderful and that helps a lot.
6. Oh yes, baby showers mean baby stores... My big mistake was going to one... alone... yep never again.  Balling there in the parking lot after my purchases.
7. A friend of mine that started the same struggle is pregnant.  First let me say, I am happy for her and her husband.  I am.  However!  She got pregnant from her first... yes first IUI.  I am a jealous jealous whore... yes I am.  I feel like she doesn't know what it is really like to have to deal with this and she shouldn't be complaining at all.  I am a megabitch.  I am.  I know that.  I still love her and I am happy for her but when she says "I don't think I can go through this again" I want to lose my freaking mind and hit something. 
8. Well over 100 shots in my ass and more than 20 ultrasounds up the hooha... I am just adding these because really I feel like a lab rat and that sucks.
9. People say stupid things... which is a whole other post will be up soon.  That I can promise you.
10. I am finding that health issues come in pairs.... so I have a "mass" on my neck that I have to see a specialist for, my knee is screwy so I am in weekly PT for that, and I have a long term wart on my foot.

So there folks you have it.  This is my messed up crazy life.